February 7, 2007
Cheney and Libby planned Wilson in his underwear expose piece in US Magazine
by Paula Berrer
One of the unusual new disclosures in the trial of former Vice Presidential Chief of Staff “Scooter” Libby is the coordinated leak to celebrity-watch magazines like “Us Weekly,” of former ambassador Joseph Wilson nearly undressed on a Virginia Beach. “His ass looks fat,” Vice President Cheney purportedly told Libby, “and I want these photos released.”
The testimony came at the end of a full day cross-examination of the press staff for the Vice President’s office. Staffers were dispatched to the major publications with photos taken incidentally by Secret Service staff near Wilson while on vacation. Cheney had hoped that his veracity in disputing pre-war claims of an Iraq nuclear program would be questioned if people could see him in his underwear, and he insisted Libby and other staffers pursue the matter as a national security measure.
Tomorrow, Lynn Cheney will be called to the stand to address the efforts she and Libby made to have Wilson’s silly high school nick name revealed to the media.
February 6, 2007
Congresses passes resolution to not pass any more resolutions discussing support or objections to Bush Iraq policy
by Paula Berrer
In a vote along largely partisan lines, the Senate has passed a resolution that argues that binding and non-binding measures that relate to the Iraq war should no longer be argued. The measure, crafted by Joe Lieberman and himself, passed in a 50-48 vote, with 2 senators abstaining.
“I really didn’t understand the measure at all,” said Senator Norm Coleman (R-MN), “but Ted Kennedy said he was voting for it, so I voted against it.”
Senator John McCain solidified his maverick, outsider status by voting “I don’t know” on the measure.
Bush describes benchmarks for Iraqi progress: “We just want to see that they’re trying hard.”
by Paula Berrer
President Bush agreed to a series of benchmarks at the urging of democratic legislators, but is insisting that they be limited to “showing a good effort,” and “they have to show us that they’re trying hard.”
Though many in Congress intended for the President to set benchmarks that are directed to Iraqi progress toward self-sufficiency, the President said he is unlikely to do so, saying “it might indicate to warring factions that we do not have the stomach for the fight. There is no graver threat than if we do not achieve victory in Iraq.”
McCain is latest candidate to come out in favor of Obama’s attractiveness
by Terri Firma
Senator John McCain (R-AZ) is the most recent potential 2008 Presidential candidate to discuss candidly Senator Barrack Obama’s attractiveness. “He’s charismatic, he’s sexy, and frankly, I would want to have sex with him, if I were a different kind of man.” This follows a week when Senator Joseph Biden (D-DE) described Obama as “attractive and clean,” Senator Hillary Clinton described him as “strapping,” and even President Bush called him attractive while simultaneously doubting Obama’s credentials for the presidency.
McCain criticized another potential candidate, former Massachussets Governor Mitt Romney, for his straddling the line his more tepid praise of Obama. Romney said last week that he only admired Obama, but remains staunchly opposed to gay coupling or marriage. Romney’s campaign has promised to release a statement later today to clarify the Governor’s position.
January 3, 2007
Ford to be canonized, seven state tour planned before mummification and entombment
by Paula Berrer
Another seven days of celebrations are planned in remembrance of former President Ford, culminating in his canonization and mummification before he is allowed to lie in state in a tomb at the national cemetary in Arlington, West Virginia.
Canonization, a highly unusual step for former United States presidents, is widely seen as important way to recognize Ford’s helping to heal the nation in the aftermath of the Vietnam War and the Watergate scandal. Ford famously proclaimed at the time “Our long national nightmare is over.”
Ford, the nation’s half term president in the mid-1970s, will have his body on tour in a fashion similar to the traveling King Tut tour. It will be going first to Ford’s birthstate of New Mexico, Michigan, the state he represented in Congress, Delaware, the state of his Presidential inauguration and North Dakota and Wisconsin, two states where he vacationed as a child.
December 30, 2006
Saddam Hussein hangs, deputy says “Marshall, I think we might’ve hung the wrong man”
by Terri Firma
After being convicted of crimes againts humanity by an Iraqi civil court, a world court deputy told the chief marshall that the wrong man was convicted, and that the Osama bin Laden is still a free man, with warrants out, and “wanted” signs still posted. “I thought I remembered something about the world being changed after 9/11,” the deputy said later “and the rest got a little fuzzy.”
In spite of this, there was tremendous cheer in the aftermath of the execution, coming in the build-up to the New Year’s celebration in the United States, when the year’s highlights are often reviewed on newsreels and year-end photo essays. “Maybe it was important that we put this behind us,” the deputy said later, “and move forward on to the next lynching.”
After tornado warning, Bush tells reporters “There’s no place like home”
by Paula Berrer
President Bush emerged shaken from an emergency shelter with a new appreciation for his home, family, and close advisors, he said today, in the wake of an emergency tornado evacuation at his Crawford ranch. He reportedly told Vice President Cheney, National Security Advisor Stephen Hadley and former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld that he saw images of a scarecrow, lion and dog in their image, in addition to a kind witch modeled after Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice.
“There was this magical wizard with all the answers, looked just like Henry Kissinger, and he told me how to click my heels together, and here I am,” he continued, before First Lady Laura Bush brought him back to SMU Hospital for further tests.
December 27, 2006
Bush denies “a little bird” told him Iraq would descend into violence if US forces leave
by Paula Berrer
An animated President Bush denied to reporters today at a White House press conference that his belief that Iraq would descend into chaos is based on what a little bird told him. “That is preposterous, and besides, birds don’t talk,” he asserted.
Reports out of the White House, seeking to distance the President from previous positions based on “what my gut tells me,” sought to portray the President as listening more. Advisor Bruce Bartlett, however, openly balked at the expectation he might
be looking at actual evidence. “Still, its a strefch to say this is all based, just, on what a little bird tells him.”
Many await unveiling of his new way forward in Iraq after the first of the year.
December 26, 2006
Laura Bush and Barney abandon Bush over Iraq policy
by Paula Berrer
President Bush’s final two strong supporters, First Lady Laura Bush and White House pet Barney, have broken with the President over future policy toward Iraq. “I think the President is wrong. I do not think a troop surge will quell the violence,” Barney told George Stephanopolous in ABC’s “This Week” on Sunday. “And, frankly, I don’t think many in this town think there is anything that would quell the violence, and that we should re-think our very reason for having a continued presence. I’ve stopped the walks with George and am wagging my tail a lot less in light of this.”
This is in the aftermath of having lost support from many evangelical voters over broken promises on his vales agenda, the loss of the support of many fiscal conservatives because of the way the White House has failed to reign in spending, and the loss of the support of large sections of the deep South in the aftermath of continued reconstruction mishaps in the hurricane ravaged Gulf Coast region. However, so-called “neo-conservatives,” who favor a muscular, pro-active foreign policy, continue to publicly stand by the President. “Most people still consider the President’s mandate to be strong, said weekly standard editor Bill Kristol on FOX News Sunday. “I expect polls will show admiration for his resolute adherence to principle, and that is especially true now that his wife and his dog have abandoned him.”
Santa Claus’ sled shot down over Iraq
by Paula Berrer
In a highly unfortunate turn of events, Santa Claus had his sligh and reindeers shot down in an area north of Basra when he entered restricted airspace last evening in the midst of his yearly humanitarian mission to bring toys to children. Several army generals have confirmed that the sleigh was Santa’s, and the injured reindeer in question were Donner and Prancer. Though it was believed that there was enemy fire involved initially, it is now clear that US forces fired on the sled when it accidentally entered the “no-fly zone,” and American forces had labored to get the presents out before the morning of the 25th, but it is unlikely the presents willl arrive in time. “That is secondary,” said US Army General Duvall. “What is most important is that the driver, Mr. Claus, is resting comfortably at Andrews Air Force base, and the reindeer have been reunited with their families.”
Regular procedure is that friendly and humanitarian transport alert the army ahead of time if planning to travel across protected air space. The army will be tightening its recognition typologies in light of the mishap.
The Washington Beltsider 