December 4, 2010

Commentators propose that President Obama’s security detail be cut

Posted in political satire at 3:54 am by thewashingtonbeltsider

by Tom Toburn

Commentators around the country are calling on President Obama to drop his security detail. “It is wasteful, and it is frankly shameful,” Oklahoma Senator James Inhovf fumed, “to imagine that our taxpayers’ dollars are being spent on protecting a Muslim who wasn’t even born in this country.”

“I will have to defend to member’s of my constituency, that these are worthwhile expenses,” he said “while most of them scrape by on the diminishing value of their social security checks.”

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New Congressional majority, citing mandate, proposes shutting off nation’s electricity

Posted in political satire at 3:46 am by thewashingtonbeltsider

by Tom Toburn

An energized Republican freshman class. looking for ways to cut fiscal waste, is drafting legislation that will ensure that lights are turned off in rooms where people are not using them, by shutting off the nation’s grids every evening by 10 pm.

House Speaker John Boenher sought to downplay the significance of this proposed plan and has also delayed, announcement of cuts to Medicare, Social Security, the Heath Care Reform package (derisively referred to as “Obamacare”), the Department of Education, publicly supported television, the Federal Reserve and most other sources of spending.

“It’s just tightening our collective belt to deal with this disastrous meltdown that the Democrats have got us into,” the speaker warned party members at a recent gathering. “It’s nearly impossible to get back on the road to fiscal health, yet still toss out these non-essential services, like regulating food safety, and providing hurricane warnings. The days of that largesse economy are over.”

November 12, 2010

Sarah Palin beats the crap out of a bear on show’s premier episode

Posted in political satire at 4:14 pm by thewashingtonbeltsider

by Tom Toburn

On last night’s program, Sarah Palin and sons Tarker and Nespad tracked a bear, wrestled it to the ground anf strangled it, showing viewers what she referred to as “Alaska’s beautiful untamed heart,” before skinning and dressing the animal and carrying it back to her outback home. She chided her two sons for leaving the chore to their mother, and called them “weaselly liberals,” before cheekily addressing the camera and opening fire on a neighbor.

She expressed dismay over President Obama’s “socialist agenda to repeal our tax breaks” on the program. The episode was one of a string of weekly appearances on the Fox networks issues oriented Sunday program, and she will premier her TLC network show in the coming weeks.

November 6, 2010

Condoleeza Rice considering Presidential run

Posted in political satire at 2:21 pm by thewashingtonbeltsider

by Paula Powell
With the 2012 election around the corner, Republican luminaries are trying to convince former Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice to run, to get the reasonable, right-leaning constituency out to the polls on election day. One of these party elders, who spoke on background so as not to be identified, and later criticized, says “Her patriotism is unquestioned, and she’s not a little used up, encrusted, broken white guy, like all our other candidates. She’s not some bitter old man downing statin medications, and Viagra, so that they can still co-mingle in regular society.”
Though Rice’s previous statements have professed little interest in a Presidential run, when compared with former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee, and other names floated around, there is interest in convincing the former diplomat into changing her position.
“Whether it’s Romney or one of these others”, the source said, “or even if we could recruit one of our dream candidates, like Demi Moore or Ashley Judd, we know the grass roots really won’t accept anyone who is not a lot like Glenn Beck, and that’s why we are looking to field other candidates. That’s how we plan to proceed at this time.”

Reanimator poison found in food samples from members of Tea Party platform committee

Posted in political satire at 2:20 pm by thewashingtonbeltsider

by Terri Firma
A not previously identified toxin that turns victims into mindless lurking cannibals (as one might imagine “a zombie” might appear. based on past legend), has been found in the aftermath of a police stand-off, on the grounds of Utah’s “Best Tea Party in the Universe” committee meeting complex.

“The Best Tea Party in the Universe” is one of the larger and better funded of the Tea Party operations,

“We said to them ‘Stop right there in your tracks!’, but they kept coming, and they were somehow able to withstand facts or reasoning,” said Officer Yong Ditretto from police headquarters. “And it looked like they were on their way to vote.”

Later in the night, the onslaught proved to be more dangerous, and they had to be contained with high speed water flushing from firehoses. It is said that the infected “zombie”-like creatures release a similar, dangerously contagious toxin, that leaves anyone exposed with what doctors are describing as “bizarre animalistic tendencies-YAGH!” This is according to recent reports overheard from beside the compound.

Palin pens early Shakespearian play

Posted in political satire at 2:19 pm by thewashingtonbeltsider

by Terri Firma

It was reported today that former 2008 vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin has written a Shakespeare poem or sonnet, nearly every day, for the last 6 weeks.
Ms. Palin traces acquiring the tastes and talents to pen these works back to the time of her religious conversion-a flirtation with “Day of the Dead” iconography.

This is after previously leaving “The Alaskan Intergalactic Church,” a church which she has attended with Todd since their early courtship. The parting with the church was not amicable. There were traded accusations, exaggerations, guilt trips, lawsuits, and many hyperbolic emotional outbursts.
Ultimately, Sarah and Todd wore themselves out, and went groggily back to lodgings on the headquarters of Sarah’s former coven.

June 4, 2007

AG Gonzales asserts that US Attorneys fired for using too much profanity

Posted in Congress, Domestic Policy, political satire, satire, White House at 2:06 am by thewashingtonbeltsider

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by Terri Firma

As the probe into the firing of US Attorney scandal deepens, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez told an audience of Republican lawmakers today that firings were the result of performance-related issues, as well as “bad manners.” Most notably, Carol Lam was mentioned for making disparaging use of a method of female hygiene, when she referred to opposing counsel as “a douchebag.”

“Use of profanity by officials in the highest levels of government was a disturbing thing to most of the parties involved,” Gonzales told the Republican press club audience, “and I wish that they had understood the extent of their infractions before it came to this. I sincerely do.”

This follows past protestations by the Attorney General rthat the firings were justified because the former attorneys were often tardy, had failed to contribute equitably to office coffee kitties, and wore overly relaxed apparel on “casual Fridays” at the workplace.

June 2, 2007

Republican presidential candidates plan “White guy-palooza” tour

Posted in Decision 2008, political satire at 9:13 pm by thewashingtonbeltsider

storyvertgopafpgi.jpgby Terri Firma

Republican Party Presidential hopefuls have launched a multi-city tour this month to bring their message of peace through strength, and immigration with tighter borders, to the American heartland, under the celebratory banner, “White guy-palooza.” The current crop of candidates, including front-runners Mitt Romney, John McCain and Rudy Guiliani, will be featured, along with a light show and several members of the US Supreme Court.

“We’re expecting this will be a tremendous opportunity to visit the fans in our base, and get the message out,” exulted Chief Justice John Roberts, in a conference call with reporters today. He will be joined by party stalwart and administration Undersecretary for Border and Transportation Security Asa Hutchinson, as part of the tour’s opening act.

The name of the tour is reminiscent of the “Lollapalooza” progressive rock tour in the 1980s, and was suggested by promoter and former Republican party chairman Charlie Black. Other names entertained for the tour but subsequently rejected included “the Ten Man March” (a play on words based on the “Million Man March” on Washington in 2002), and
“Promissory note-keepers” (a similar play on words based on the “Promise Keepers” subsequent march and demonstration).

The tour will continue through July 4th, at whiich point, the group is expected to be joined by former actor Fred Thompson, and guitarist Gary Richrath of REO Speedwagon.

May 28, 2007

Tinky Winky out of closet; Teletubby admits he is gay

Posted in political satire, satire at 9:43 pm by thewashingtonbeltsider

by Tom Toburn

After years of speculation by Jerry Falwell, prominent religious fundamentalist leaders, and now the Polish Children’s Affairs ombudswoman, the lead teletubby, Tinky Winky, has admitted to the press to being gay, and has apologized to the BBC for any damage the ongoing controversy and speculation has caused. “What I am most disturbed by is how it has affected our program, and what we provide for children,” he said. “My professional life and personal lifestyle decisions, to this point, have not intersected, until the observations of my accessorizing habits.” The controversy was stirred by the lead teletubby’s habit of carrying a purse, though many had commented on what was considered an overly effeminate persona and high-tinkywpurse.jpgpitched voice.

“I only hope that, through example by figures like myself, Ellen Degeneres, and hopefully Anderson Cooper in the future, that we can seek larger acceptance in the larger community for what we do rather than what we represent.”

February 7, 2007

Kerry decides to sit out 2008 run: “I never wanted that stupid old Presidency anyway”

Posted in Decision 2008, Kerry, political satire at 2:33 pm by thewashingtonbeltsider

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by Tom Toburn

In what may be characterized as a fit of pique, former war veteran John Kerry announced today that he will not be seeking the nomination for the presidency in 2008, and said “I never wanted that stupid old Presidency anyway.” His aides have been hinting for weeks that the Massachussets Senator and the 2004 nominee would be sitting out the race, “now that that really popular Obama guy got in,” but still felt comfortable that he could garner more support than presumptive contenders Joe Biden and Al Gore.

Former Senator John Edwards is also expected in the race, but aids say he is trying to ignore his former running mate, “unless he says he’s sorry,” and did not consider Senator Hillary Clinton a serious opponent “because she’s just a girl.”

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