December 21, 2010

Toyota cited again: failure to disclose auto-destruct problem with Prius

Posted in satire at 2:30 pm by thewashingtonbeltsider

by Terri Firma

Toyota Motor Corp has been cited again, this time for a problem that led to a “blowing up” problem with the 2002 Prius. In a statement by the Transportation Safety Agency, it was revealed that the company knew about the problem since before the car was sold publicly, but chose to continue distributing the car till the problem could be solved internally.

It was a rarely used feature, basically for spies or high level DEA agents who purchased a government-issued brand of the car, but it was accidentally installed in a host of cars intended for consumer use.

“We are embarrassed, obviously,” a company spokesman said, “and the agents these cars were intended for found the feature very useful, but not once discussed publicly, and we apologize to them for that.”

A driver in Sawskatchewan was the first to have his car exploded in error in April, and many cars have exploded since. Toyota will recall the cars, and install an upgrade feature where needed, next spring. They will likely be in court to answer possible charges of negligence soon. They have paid out record sums over problems with the Prius in judgments over the last decade, for problems of faulty breaks, “sticky” accelerators, and inflammable gas tanks. The company’s Tokyo leadership office is reserving comment.

December 20, 2010

Palin takes to Twitter feed to celebrate life of Captain Beefheart

Posted in satire at 10:29 pm by thewashingtonbeltsider

By Tom Toburn

Sarah Palin took to her Twitter stream yesterday, to celebrate the life Don Vliet, or “Captain Beefheart,” who passed away Saturday.

Palin also updated her Facebook status in a post that recognizes the experimental musician’s passing. “As a kindred spirit,” she posted Sunday, “I also know dismissal by the mainstream press, and accomplishment by passing unorthodox beliefs into practice. May God bless you in heaven.”

She made note on her Twitter of the foundation named in Beefheart’s honor. It read “visit fund in honor Vliet’s life-visit “www.jesusforgivesvliet.com.”

June 4, 2007

AG Gonzales asserts that US Attorneys fired for using too much profanity

Posted in Congress, Domestic Policy, political satire, satire, White House at 2:06 am by thewashingtonbeltsider

images.jpg

by Terri Firma

As the probe into the firing of US Attorney scandal deepens, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez told an audience of Republican lawmakers today that firings were the result of performance-related issues, as well as “bad manners.” Most notably, Carol Lam was mentioned for making disparaging use of a method of female hygiene, when she referred to opposing counsel as “a douchebag.”

“Use of profanity by officials in the highest levels of government was a disturbing thing to most of the parties involved,” Gonzales told the Republican press club audience, “and I wish that they had understood the extent of their infractions before it came to this. I sincerely do.”

This follows past protestations by the Attorney General rthat the firings were justified because the former attorneys were often tardy, had failed to contribute equitably to office coffee kitties, and wore overly relaxed apparel on “casual Fridays” at the workplace.

May 28, 2007

Tinky Winky out of closet; Teletubby admits he is gay

Posted in political satire, satire at 9:43 pm by thewashingtonbeltsider

by Tom Toburn

After years of speculation by Jerry Falwell, prominent religious fundamentalist leaders, and now the Polish Children’s Affairs ombudswoman, the lead teletubby, Tinky Winky, has admitted to the press to being gay, and has apologized to the BBC for any damage the ongoing controversy and speculation has caused. “What I am most disturbed by is how it has affected our program, and what we provide for children,” he said. “My professional life and personal lifestyle decisions, to this point, have not intersected, until the observations of my accessorizing habits.” The controversy was stirred by the lead teletubby’s habit of carrying a purse, though many had commented on what was considered an overly effeminate persona and high-tinkywpurse.jpgpitched voice.

“I only hope that, through example by figures like myself, Ellen Degeneres, and hopefully Anderson Cooper in the future, that we can seek larger acceptance in the larger community for what we do rather than what we represent.”

December 16, 2006

Terror plot foiled: holiday gift bags with Anthrax were to be passed around by American consumers

Posted in political satire, satire at 12:56 am by thewashingtonbeltsider

by Terri Firma

 A terror plot was discovered before any lives were claimed in East Lansing Michigan today.  It was intended to spread Anthrax among denizens of a small midwestern community, and then possibly across the continent, by seeding holiday gift bags with a dangerous biological substance before the bags were used to re-gift presents headed to other towns and municiplaities in the greater midwest area and beyond.

“It is a uniquely American habit, this taking a gift out, then keeping the bag, and using it to re-bag another gift item for somebody else,” said Homeland Security spokesman Ed Dobaney.  “It becomes like a chain letter but far more insidious, and thus, this was to be a terror plot of a massive proportions.”

November 7, 2006

Voting machines in two counties in Sacinaw, West Virgina now operational

Posted in parody, political satire, satire at 10:44 pm by thewashingtonbeltsider

by Paula Berrer

It has been reported that two voting machines in Sacinaw County in West Virginia are now operational, and it is expected that a machine in West Sunni County in Iowa will also be operating by the weekend in today’s voting on mid-term seats for Congress and many state Governorships. Lines across the nations for voters reached up to 17 city blocks in the larger cities, with voters in many areas being sent home after waiting in line into from morning till dawn of the next day.

Though problems with malfunctioning voting sites were anticipated to some degree, it was not known that only two counties nationwide would be voting today, with the other 20,670,828 municipalities expected to be on-line by December 3. If the votes are tallied by December 10, and victors are named, Congress may be able to meet deadlines for ratifying the nuclear non-proliferation treaty, submitting the 2007 budget, and reviewing a growing backlog of pending legislation.

When similar voting mthodes were implemented in New Guinea in the 1970s, delays often ensued, but of a lesser magnitude, with the machines going off-line for several hours only, though the number of voters was not of the magnitude of the nationwide tallies being entered in the US elections. “Turn-out was larger than expected,” said machine manaufacturer Fred Stoppard, “so mistakes are not unprecedented. We know the delays are an inconvenience to everyone, which is why we are working so hard to fix these problems.”

“We were hoping the voting and tallying of the reults might be completed before Judge John Paul Stevens retires or dies, because of the role a new Congress might play in confirming a new Supreme Court justice,” said federal elections commissioner Pat Schnaerson, “but I suppose you go with the voting machines you have, not the voting machines you wish you had.”

November 4, 2006

News analysis: traitorous CNN Network continues to tout pro-terrorist agenda

Posted in news media, political satire, satire at 2:51 am by thewashingtonbeltsider

by Tom Toburn

Far-left pundit Lou Dobbs revealed, after a week-long blitz of sympathetic coverage of Democratic congressional candidates, that the sex scandal involving an evangelical leader is more important to spotlight then a further review of Clinton-era policies that led to an Al Qaeda homeland security breach, while Candy Crowley provides tepid suggestions of a Democratically controlled House with only a center-left tilt, without nothing that predicted full endorsement of the secular homosexual and criminal agenda by the Democrats, and the implications for the country.

Welcome to far-left mainstream punditry, my friends, for this is where the next several elections will be decided: by what the liberal news media allows you to see. And fear not: their friends at the FOX News channel have simultaneously lost their nerve, and asked President Bush to explain his thinking on his key policy initiatives without directing viewers to comments and writings who speak on his behalf, such that they might uncover yet another Bush gaffe or syntactic slip that they might exploit on the John Stewart or Stephen Colbert show. That way, when the terrorists set-up shop across the way in greater Manhattan, they might have a local clown to trot out for the kids for the Isalmic Thanksgiving Day parade.

September 18, 2006

Pope under fire for calling homosexuals “butt pirates”

Posted in political satire, satire at 11:31 pm by thewashingtonbeltsider

by Terri Firma

The vatican is facing another public relations nightmare after Pope Benedict XIV referred to homosexuals as “butt pirates” in an appearance before the council of bishops in Sicily this afternoon.

Spokesman Michael Ritzner of the American Civil Liberties Union noted that the Pope still carries enormous sway over Catholics worldwide, that such comments only serve to inflame hosrtilities between devout Catholics and homosexuals, and he also complains that the comments are “just plain rude.”

Though stopping short of a full apology, the Pope did allow for the fact that many may have been offended by his comments, and they should probably burn in hell for holding such an opinion.

August 15, 2006

FEMA admits that it accidentally hosed down New Orleans trailers with toxic waste

Posted in political satire, satire at 4:26 am by thewashingtonbeltsider

by Paula Berrer

The Federal Emergency Management Association (FEMA) has announced once again that there was a lapse in security related to the trailer homes for Katrina victims, this time with toxic waste used to clean the trailer interiors when residents were away temporarily.  “We were hoping to surprise them, clean things up when they weren’t around, but we made a mistake with which hose we used,” said FEMA chairman Blaze Sedowsky.  “We’ve already apologized a lot of times, but the residents are, I would say reasonably, still a little miffed.”

Earlier this week, it was revealed the hundreds of the trailers have locks that can be opened by a single same key, thereby presenting a risk for vandalism and theft, and that there were unacceptable formaldehyde levels in the trailers.  Earlier in the year, FEMA was blamed because thousands of unused trailers laid dormant in Arkansas.  These episodes were blamed on contractors, but it has also demonstrated problems with oversight by the top brass at FEMA.

“It’s not a matter of what you have done in the past, but how you correct it,” said Sedowsky, “and we don’t plan on using those toxic waste hoses again, and we have apologized to everyone we accidentally sprayed.”

“Thank God FEMA is no longer a part of the Department of Homeland Security,” Homeland Security Director Michael Chertoff said when reached for comment. 

August 8, 2006

Mel Gibson again asks Jewish leaders for forgiveness after failed screening of his Holocaust film

Posted in satire at 12:09 am by thewashingtonbeltsider

images5.jpgby Paula Berrer

After opening night criticism of his new film “Jews run everything. There was no Holocaust,” filmmaker Mel Gibson has again issued a public apology to the Jewish community, saying he perhaps is an anti-Semite, but had not realized it.  The source material, a French-German propaganda leaflet from the 1940s, was felt to be difficult to translate to film, and the reviews have been near unanimous in calling Gibson’s newest work turgid and lifeless as well as offensive to Jewish groups.

“Okay, I get it,” writer-director Gibson said. “This is offensive stuff.  I hadn’t realized it.  I want to make ammends.”  He is asking for forgiveness for what he is calling his “reprehensible and insensitive behavior.” 

The only major Jewish public figures who have not refused to talk to Gibson are Albert Brooks, who intends to use Gibson’s public healing as material for a new film, and actor Red Buttons, who died at the age of 87 on July 14.  Also willing to help him seek healing is Jamie Farr, formerly of TV’s “M*A*S*H,” though he is Episcopalean and not Jewish.  

Next page