December 4, 2010

Obama pledges to deck house GOP leadership

Posted in political satire at 8:12 pm by thewashingtonbeltsider

by Tom Toburn

In a sign of increasing desperation by a President whose popularity is on the wane, and whose legislative priorities are faltering, a recent speech found President Obama more receptive to tackling Congressional Republican leaders Mitch O’Connell and John Boehner, and beating them senseless. “Its crossed my mind,” he answered a questioner who proposed physically confronting congressional adversaries at an appearance at a Des Moine High school. “Or I thought (Vice President) Joe Biden could armlock one of them, and I could get a shot in.”

The tenor of negotiations over extending the tax cuts initiated under the Bush administration have turned increasingly contentious, with supporters on both sides urging their party leaders to hold their ground.

“Our side needs to ‘man up’,” said columnist Laura Ingraham. “The president’s lip was bleeding after an elbow hit him playing basketball. He’s not so tough.”

“Filibusters are often used as hard-ball partisan tactics, and are also in play when inter-party negotiations fail,” said Presidential historian Delores Kearns-Goodwin. “But the President has a few inches and some arm-reach advantage on some of his adversaries, so we will see how the two sides match up.”


Todd Palin re-buffed in bid to become next Aqua Velva man

Posted in political satire at 4:02 am by thewashingtonbeltsider

by Terri Firma

In a further bid to establish their multi-media bona fides, the husband of former Vice Presidential hopeful Sarah Palin took the unusual step of offering to become the face of Aqua Velva in their on-line advertising. He readied several “You Tube” videos as preparation, and offered to audition, though the after-shave manufacturer denied that they were interested in continuing their successful ad campaign from earlier this year.

Though Palin’s daughter, Bristol, has successfully navigated the competition on ABC’s “Dancing with the Stars,” most of the others who surround her have not, from husband Todd to near son-in-law Levi Johnston (who recently tried but ultimately failed in his bid to become a judge or an inspector for next year’s Junior Miss America contest).

Rand Paul buys pick-up, sports new tattoos

Posted in political satire at 3:59 am by thewashingtonbeltsider

by Terri Firma

In an appeal to his base, who are comprised, in large part, of blue collar workers from Southern states, presidential candidate Ron Paul has been rolling up his shirtsleeves to show off new tattoos, and he often displays them from the driver’s side window of his new Chevy pick-up.

He sports one new one that reads “Born in the USA,” alongside tattoos, that simply display NASCAR’s Dale Ernhardt Jr. and 1970s TV personality Loni Anderson.

“It’s who I am now,” he proclaims, “and no one here can stop it. I love the heart of America, and I am proud to celebrate our most reprobate in our communities.”

He pledged half of the profits from his upcoming campaign events to NASCAR, and to the estates of deceased monster-truck competition legends and their families.

Mitch McConnell threatens to court-martial David Petreaus

Posted in political satire at 3:55 am by thewashingtonbeltsider

by Terri Firma

In what some are considering to be a fit of pique, Senate Minority leader Mitch O’Connel demanded a calling out of US General David Petraeus over his serving under a “socialist-liberal traitor” agenda, as Obama’s leader of operations in the US war in Afghanistan.

“If it were a fight worth winning, it would never be supported by a liberal-leaning former civil rights attorney such as our President,” McConnell fumed at the sub-committee hearings. “If it were not for the fact you agreed to appear for us, I would have fled this room upon your arrival, such is my disdain, and might have asked that you be censured in my absence.”

Commentators propose that President Obama’s security detail be cut

Posted in political satire at 3:54 am by thewashingtonbeltsider

by Tom Toburn

Commentators around the country are calling on President Obama to drop his security detail. “It is wasteful, and it is frankly shameful,” Oklahoma Senator James Inhovf fumed, “to imagine that our taxpayers’ dollars are being spent on protecting a Muslim who wasn’t even born in this country.”

“I will have to defend to member’s of my constituency, that these are worthwhile expenses,” he said “while most of them scrape by on the diminishing value of their social security checks.”

New Congressional majority, citing mandate, proposes shutting off nation’s electricity

Posted in political satire at 3:46 am by thewashingtonbeltsider

by Tom Toburn

An energized Republican freshman class. looking for ways to cut fiscal waste, is drafting legislation that will ensure that lights are turned off in rooms where people are not using them, by shutting off the nation’s grids every evening by 10 pm.

House Speaker John Boenher sought to downplay the significance of this proposed plan and has also delayed, announcement of cuts to Medicare, Social Security, the Heath Care Reform package (derisively referred to as “Obamacare”), the Department of Education, publicly supported television, the Federal Reserve and most other sources of spending.

“It’s just tightening our collective belt to deal with this disastrous meltdown that the Democrats have got us into,” the speaker warned party members at a recent gathering. “It’s nearly impossible to get back on the road to fiscal health, yet still toss out these non-essential services, like regulating food safety, and providing hurricane warnings. The days of that largesse economy are over.”

November 12, 2010

Sarah Palin beats the crap out of a bear on show’s premier episode

Posted in political satire at 4:14 pm by thewashingtonbeltsider

by Tom Toburn

On last night’s program, Sarah Palin and sons Tarker and Nespad tracked a bear, wrestled it to the ground anf strangled it, showing viewers what she referred to as “Alaska’s beautiful untamed heart,” before skinning and dressing the animal and carrying it back to her outback home. She chided her two sons for leaving the chore to their mother, and called them “weaselly liberals,” before cheekily addressing the camera and opening fire on a neighbor.

She expressed dismay over President Obama’s “socialist agenda to repeal our tax breaks” on the program. The episode was one of a string of weekly appearances on the Fox networks issues oriented Sunday program, and she will premier her TLC network show in the coming weeks.

November 6, 2010

Condoleeza Rice considering Presidential run

Posted in political satire at 2:21 pm by thewashingtonbeltsider

by Paula Powell
With the 2012 election around the corner, Republican luminaries are trying to convince former Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice to run, to get the reasonable, right-leaning constituency out to the polls on election day. One of these party elders, who spoke on background so as not to be identified, and later criticized, says “Her patriotism is unquestioned, and she’s not a little used up, encrusted, broken white guy, like all our other candidates. She’s not some bitter old man downing statin medications, and Viagra, so that they can still co-mingle in regular society.”
Though Rice’s previous statements have professed little interest in a Presidential run, when compared with former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee, and other names floated around, there is interest in convincing the former diplomat into changing her position.
“Whether it’s Romney or one of these others”, the source said, “or even if we could recruit one of our dream candidates, like Demi Moore or Ashley Judd, we know the grass roots really won’t accept anyone who is not a lot like Glenn Beck, and that’s why we are looking to field other candidates. That’s how we plan to proceed at this time.”

Reanimator poison found in food samples from members of Tea Party platform committee

Posted in political satire at 2:20 pm by thewashingtonbeltsider

by Terri Firma
A not previously identified toxin that turns victims into mindless lurking cannibals (as one might imagine “a zombie” might appear. based on past legend), has been found in the aftermath of a police stand-off, on the grounds of Utah’s “Best Tea Party in the Universe” committee meeting complex.

“The Best Tea Party in the Universe” is one of the larger and better funded of the Tea Party operations,

“We said to them ‘Stop right there in your tracks!’, but they kept coming, and they were somehow able to withstand facts or reasoning,” said Officer Yong Ditretto from police headquarters. “And it looked like they were on their way to vote.”

Later in the night, the onslaught proved to be more dangerous, and they had to be contained with high speed water flushing from firehoses. It is said that the infected “zombie”-like creatures release a similar, dangerously contagious toxin, that leaves anyone exposed with what doctors are describing as “bizarre animalistic tendencies-YAGH!” This is according to recent reports overheard from beside the compound.

Palin pens early Shakespearian play

Posted in political satire at 2:19 pm by thewashingtonbeltsider

by Terri Firma

It was reported today that former 2008 vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin has written a Shakespeare poem or sonnet, nearly every day, for the last 6 weeks.
Ms. Palin traces acquiring the tastes and talents to pen these works back to the time of her religious conversion-a flirtation with “Day of the Dead” iconography.

This is after previously leaving “The Alaskan Intergalactic Church,” a church which she has attended with Todd since their early courtship. The parting with the church was not amicable. There were traded accusations, exaggerations, guilt trips, lawsuits, and many hyperbolic emotional outbursts.
Ultimately, Sarah and Todd wore themselves out, and went groggily back to lodgings on the headquarters of Sarah’s former coven.

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