September 2, 2006

Increased post-traumatic stress disorder claims filed by think tank participants with extended exposure to Bush Iraq speeches

Posted in political satire at 5:17 am by thewashingtonbeltsider

images.jpgby Terri Firma

Almost like the Legionnaires Disease phenomenon of the 1970s, scholars at some of the countries main “think tanks” have been stricken by an illness strikingly similar to post-traumatic stress disorder, subsequent to a series of speeches on the progress in Iraq by President Bush. After filing claims, they have been examined en masse by neuropsychiatrists for an array of symptoms ranging from sweating and pupillary dilatation to full body rashes. These are not unlike toxic effects most often seen after exposure to carcinogens and insecticides, as well as those seen in caged animals after long exposure to aversive stimuli.

“It started out with a series of vague complaints, some odd nonsense like ‘I am waking up with nightmares of people saying insipid, jingoistic things and then I can’t fall asleep again.'” says lead researcher Gustavia Penn. “But then we investigated further. The case studies started to take on a pattern, and look something more akin to an epidemic.”

The scholars have been isolated under quarantine, and several experimental drugs, such as antibiotics, mood stabiliziers, muscle relaxers, and auditory suppressents, have been used, with researchers cautiously optimistic at this point.

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