August 29, 2006

Bush urges “saints to come marching home” to New Orleans, says “we’ll even pay you.”

Posted in Bush II, political satire at 8:47 pm by thewashingtonbeltsider

by Paula Berrer

From a pulpit in a New Orleans church, President Bush is urging former New Orleans residents to return, and is even offering to pay them to live in their old homes, or on newly set-up communes or kibbutzim. Pundits and those inside the beltway have advised that an under-populated city will continue to focus attention on the damage wrought by the Hurricane, and presents an image problem for an administration eager to turn the page on the high profile disaster from the start of the President’s second term in office.

“New Orleans is calling her children home,” he said. “I know that sounds a little cornball, but it’s true. Let’s have those saints come marching home,” in referencing to Edward Boatner’s famous funeral march that evokes the splendor of the city. “I hear it from all the local officials. They say they have a plan in place, and money coming. And I believe them. Well, it’s easier than not believing them, cause then there wouldn’t be anything to talk about.”
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Though critics have held that only half of New Orleans has electricity, half its hospitals are closed, debris remains in the streets, violent crime is up, and that this is the reason that less than half the population has returned, there are also tens of thousands of families in trailers and mobile homes with plans for moving to more permanent housing, and there is the possibility of a proposed master rebuilding plan.

Bush said the federal government cannot do the recovery job alone, or should do it alone, but says he will pay people to move back if they are willing to set up a kibbutz or commune-like environment, and grow their own food, rather than seeking government hand-outs. “You could live like hippies, maybe get down with some of that dixie-fied jazz music. But no growing any pot, you understand?”

“This is your home,” he said. “You know what needs to be done, and you can provide us a reborn Louisiana. Probably smaller, though.”

“Hell, I’d move here too, if I weren’t so busy being President, and being out here with all these speeches all the time. Actually, no I wouldn’t, but I still think everyone else should. It’s a good deal. It’s uniquely courageous and uniquely American.”

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