August 8, 2006

Bush sells Crawford ranch and moves to Pennsylvania, “I will do the opposite of what I have done before”

Posted in political satire at 12:11 am by thewashingtonbeltsider

by Paula Berrer

President Bush has unexpextedly sold his Crawford ranch, and has decided to move to Erie, Pennsylvania.  “I will do the opposite of what I did before,” he said.  “And besides, it’s about time I did some fly-fishing,”, even though there is no fly-fishing in Western Pennsylvania.

Many have speculated that this is to avoid confrontation with newly arrived Crawford home-owner Cindy Sheehan, who has been an anti-war protester seeking out the President at his ranch since her son died in Iraq.  Another issue, though, appears to be a desire to make a dramatic changes, in the face of major policy failures on all fronts.  He has consulted with advisors, many of whom worked with former President Clinton, or his father, former President George Herbert Walker Bush.  Bush has reportedly told aids “Every instinct I have is wrong. I will do the opposite.”

It has been advised that other members of his staff be encouraged to also do the opposite of what they otherwise have done to this point.  He has been told to encourage Douglas Feith and David Frum, the architects for the rationale for the Iraq war, to work on a new stump speech, referring to Iran and North Korea as part of an “axis of humanity,” and to say that he hopes that Iran is able to get the nuclear weapons that they have long sought.  He was advised to recommend that Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice “think before you speak” more.  He was advised to try to have Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld come to work less, and National Intelligence Services Director Negoroponte come to work more.  He was advised to attempt to have the Republican-controlled Congress follow their own personal convictions on legislative matters, and not sign-off on execustive legislative priorities.  And he was encouraged to tacitly encourage Vice President Cheney to seek psychiatric help for his personality disorder.

Why Erie Pennsylvania would be considered an opposite to Crawford Texas is still a mystery.  “Perhaps it is because they differ so dramatically in altitude and ambient temperature, but I can’t really be sure.” said Presidential historian Aaron Lawford.  “I know President Wilson had a vacation home in Georgia, and moved it to the cooler climate of Massachusetts when he wanted to make major changes in his cabinet, but he was clearly demented at the time, so it may not be a fair comparison.  Then again, maybe it would be.  I don’t know.”

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