July 11, 2006

Experts predict economy to be absolute crap, likely a boon for investors

Posted in political satire at 8:35 pm by thewashingtonbeltsider

by Tom Toburn

Leading economists are pointing towards indices that show a slowing and failing economy and are predicting that investors will have a banner year in 2006. “‘Recession,’ ‘ inflation,’ they’re somewhat antiquated notions,” says Wall Street analyst Barry McKafferty. “It’s hard to explain, actually, but we do know that a cut in taxes for the upper strata boosts our economic fortunes, and we’re seeing that now.”

A survey of leading indicators show such findings as higher interest rates, lower GDP, higher unemployment rate, and increasing foreign debt, “but this corresponds with a startlingly positive outlook for investors,” says a statement issued by the Treasury Department. “Value of stock portfolios are low, resulting in devaluing of employee pensions, in the short run, but a much stronger economic outlook in the long run…for us guys, I mean.”

The statement reassures the public “It’s a different economy now. The effect on dividends, we believe, are minimal.” new Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson said “We know consumer spending goes down and there is devaluing of capitol in this climate. But pardoxically, this time, we don’t care.”

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