June 13, 2006

Bush admits to urinating in his pants in children’s classroom on 9/11

Posted in parody, political satire, politics at 1:44 pm by thewashingtonbeltsider

by Terry Firma

In the ongoing spirit of self-disclosure that has characterized new attempts to invigorate his presidency, President Bush today admitted that he had indeed wet his pants in the grade school classroom where he read “My Pet Goat” as he first learned that the airplanes had hit the twin towers on September 11, 2001. This is why, he explained, so many minutes lapsed before he left the classroom, shielded behind advisors who finally arrived to relieve him. This was the long speculated cause for his delay, and has been under renewed suspicion since the reconvening of the 9/11 panel.

Exactly one week ago, his admission was that he still drinks, and does not want to go to AA, and that he knows very little about the world around him, and never has. “I have no idea where Iraq, Syria and Libya actually are, and I have based my decisions on where I would think they might be from listen to people and assuming I’ll know what they’re talking about later, after I look it up…but I usually do not look it up. Until fairly recently, as Senator Reid said, I thought Iraq and Iran were the same thing, and I didn’t think this was so unreasonable.”

This follows admissions in previous weeks that he never reported to duty in the Texas Air National Guard at all “because I was a little scared, frankly,” the admission that he personally stole votes from John Kerry off Ohio Diebold voting machines, that he nominated Harriet Meiers to a Supreme Court vacancy “because she always seemed nice,” and that he never understood the oil industry or professional baseball in spite of working in those arenas for most of his adult life.

It is a public relations strategy intended to salvage the remaining years of his presidency, and many of his advisors have counseled against such a it, but Bush has been adamant. “The gloves are off,” he has reportedly said. “Watch them find something to attack me with now!”

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1 Comment »

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