June 11, 2006

Hussein: 7 reasons why I bluffed “the George Bush”

Posted in political satire at 3:16 pm by thewashingtonbeltsider

by Terry Firma

BAGHDAD, Iraq: In an interview over the weekend, jailed former dictator Saddam Hussein, discussed his justification for standing firm against the US prior to the invasion.

This is in the wake of publication of statements by his former press secretary, Tariq Azziz, who asserts that in spite of Hussein’s clear psychopathy and problems with seasoned points of view in other matters, this was not a reckless or rash position of Hussein’s, and he knew what he was doing all along.

Recent news about Iran rising in dominance in the Middle East without Saddam Hussein as a deterrent has prompted this reporter to ask the question: “what in the world prompted you to bluff about having Weapons of Mass Destruction in the face of imminent war?”

Saddam, with a contented Cheshire cat smile, sat back in his chair and said, “I will give you seven reasons why I bluff the George Bush.

“The first one is that I had an understanding with the Bush family that this was a political game, that two charming world leaders would be playing, to terrify the rest of the planet. Two charming and popular equals, transatlantic bon vivants, if you will.

“The second reason: I was actually his only ally in the Middle East! I thought he knew that, without me, the Iranians would grandstand and make threats of nuclear weapons.

“Third reason: it was I and only I that was keeping the Taliban at our borders, and keeping them from putting the burka…what you Americans call “the veil,” on our women. I think to myself, ‘he surely would not choose to risk the type of chaos that would come if the extreme views of the Taliban and the Iranian Islamists were to infect Iraq!

“Fourth reason: I knew all this talk of elections and democracy in the Middle East could only be for his political popularity in America. It gave me a good laugh to imagine an election that would place an extremist Islamic government in to replace our current more westernized, secular one. Why should I take his talk seriously about the elections in the Middle East when he made sure the crazy liberal party, who actually won the election, did not get into power.

“I also assumed he knew how these things work. Has he not watched any of these nature shows where the two strong stallions show off their prowess to impress the ladies? No one was supposed to get hurt. It was just for show. In fact I was grateful to him for stirring up the millions of people who came out to support me during the days when the George Bush makes his threats.

“Of course everybody knew there were not weapons of mass destruction in this country. There were weapons inspectors everywhere! Do these people not talk to each other? Too bad I did not remember that he did not understand the reports, because he is not so good at the English.”

“I underestimated the George Bush’s greed and cleverness. He wanted to stoke a wartime economy more than I imagined, for his relatives and friends’ profits. He has so successfully duped the American people into nearly voting for him again, in the re-election, with his techniques of stirring up the people fear of the gays and the terrorists and the women who will choose to not have babies. That is why I respect this man!

“But wait a minute. Maybe he is not all these things, and just a plain, simple fool.

“Now get out of here! This interview is finished!”

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