June 10, 2006

Democrats declared “soft on terror” for failing to support beheading program

Posted in political satire, politics, satire, US News at 11:30 pm by thewashingtonbeltsider

by Tom Toburn

Democrats are one again being described as “soft on terror,” as debate rages over the accusations of prisoner abuse aimed at the Oval Office. Democratic senators resistant to President Bush’s latest drive to legalize the be-heading of terrorist detainees are coming up against a Republican back lash, that declares that if the opposition really believed the war on terror could be won, they would not with hold this valuable tool from the President. “You’re either with us, or against,” insisted Bill Frist from the Senate floor, in defense of the President’s program. The uproar began as the program came to light in the aftermath of the inadvertent beheading of a major AP journalist, who, it was explained, looked strikingly similar to one of the suspected Al Quaida lieutenants being detained.

In a coordinated effort, Karl Rove, speaking before the mainstream Federalist Society, stated that Democrats continue to live in a pre-9/11 world. Separately, Senate Republicans supported Mr. Rove’s assertions.

“First of all,” Senator Bill Frist stated from the senate floor, “Democrats like congressman Murtha have proven time and again that when we are poised to win, they prefer to ‘cut and run,’ or they prefer to offer comfort and cover to a crafty and ruthless enemy. That is not the way to fight the war on terror. No it is not. Ask anyone. For Christ’s sake.” Frist cited several more moderate Democrats, such as Tom Vilsack, a rumored 2008 candidate for the Democratic presidential nomination, who has come out in favor of the program, and the President’s need to use whatever tools he must to combat the terrorist threat. “This is a different kind of enemy, and a different kind of world since 9/11, and we must adjust ourselves accordingly.”

The journalist, Flan Dejeres, was beheaded Friday, and the mistake was discovered after a regimented colonel admitted the mistake to her family. Though Ms. Dejeres bears little actual resemblance to the terror suspect, Fari Al-DeSi, military officials have explained that the mistake was natural given the pronunciation of Ms. Dejeres’ name, which has a silent “j.” The reporter was swept up in a terrorist raid of a Sudan coffee shop, where she was to interview members of the political wing of the Sudanese opposition party, and was enjoying a cappuccino while waiting for the interview to begin.

“This is not intended as a smear against anyone,…except Senator Kerrey and Mr. Murtha,” White House spokemen Tony Snow explained later in the day. “The terrorists are dangerous men. The President’s be-heading,…er, terrorist dissuasion program has worked. Why do Senator Kerrey and Mr. Murtha hate America?”

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