September 12, 2016

New Revelation: Hillary Clinton lied about her favorite type of ice cream sundae

Posted in Uncategorized at 2:49 pm by thewashingtonbeltsider

by Tom Toburn

In the latest release of papers from a subpoena of the Clinton Foundation’s records, it has been disclosed that Hillary Clinton lied under oath about her favorite ice cream, and her favorite type of ice cream sundae.

The subpoena is part of a lawsuit by the Freedomworks organization, that filed the suit after Wikileaks shared data from her personal email server, where she described enjoying her sundaes best with mint chip ice cream and hot fudge, and later reiterated the statement in front of a congressional subcommittee. However, in her latest book, “Stronger Together,” she clearly states that she remembers enjoying toffee ice cream with caramel topping more than other ice cream choices when she would take purported daughter Chelsea Clinton out for ice cream.

It is the latest in a series of unforced errors by the Clinton campaign.

Critics have implied that it occurred at a time when Janelle Thompson, a major Clinton foundation donor, as well as chair of the butterscotch division of Duncan Hines, had been lobbying the foundation to divert more donations toward one of the causes she was championing in the Darfur region. The foundation also lists the Hersheys company as one of its major contributors. The email with her non-butterscotch preference is dated four months before the discussions with Thompson.

“Time and again, we see example after example of Hillary Clinton refusing to level with the American people,” stated Jason Miller, a spokesperson for the Trump campaign. “The question is what won’t she say to garner more votes and support.”

“People change their ice cream preferences all the time,” stated Clinton campaign manager Robby Mook. “There is truly nothing to see here, folks.”

Clinton is scheduled to visit the Hershey plant in Pennsylvania on Thursday.



Donald Trump cites “The Man from UNCLE” in his support of Russian president Vladimir Putin

Posted in Uncategorized at 2:03 pm by thewashingtonbeltsider

by Terry Firma

Donald Trump cited his viewing of the popular TV series of the 1960s, the Man from UNCLE, in defending his support of Russian president Vladimir Putin, in an interview aired Sunday evening CBS news.

“It was the cold war, so it was a different period of time, but I very much admired the relationship between the American agent, Napoleon Solo, and the Russian agent, Ilya Kazakhistan.” (Mr ¬†Trump was corrected as to the characters name, Ilya Kuryakin, later in the interview).

“The Man from UNCLE” ran for five years on ABC, and was widely seen as a refreshing take on the interplay between the two nations, who were adversaries at the time. It was remade as a film starring Henry Caville and Armie Hammer last year. Trump stated he did not enjoy the film, but praised Alisha Viskander’s performance

“To be quite honest with you, our sitting president, and his approved successor, Hillary Clinton, would never have the balls to work with their nemesis, and I would argue we could easily see the end of the world if we refuse to work with our enemies,” he said. “As President, I will always work with our allies. And I promise you can expect lots of adventure and intrigue from a Trump presidency.”


Donald Trump: “Black people want to sleep with me”

Posted in Uncategorized at 1:34 pm by thewashingtonbeltsider

by Tom Toburn

In response to a reporter’s question at a rally Sunday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump stated “Black people love me, I love them, and many would Ike to have sex with me.”

He made the statement to quell rumors of discontent from many minority voters in response to his past support of the “birther” movement (which some have likened to an attempt to delegitimize the presidency of the nations first African American president, Barack Obama), and his opposition to a ruling by an American born judge of Mexican descent.

“I have had many, many Aftican Americans ask to have sex with me, to be honest with you,” he stated, “and I was married at the time, but otherwise would have been bery interested in the possibility. I may have been written down a few phone numbers. Kerry Washington’s, for one.”

Though Kerry Washington is not affiliated with either campaign, it is noted that she was 11 years old at the time of Mr. Trump’s separation from ex-wife Marla Maples.¬†Kerry Washington’s agent has so far declined comment.

BREAKING: Hillary Clinton died five years ago

Posted in Uncategorized at 1:12 pm by thewashingtonbeltsider

by Tom Toburn

In a shocking revelation, reporters have learned that Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton expired almost five years ago, at the time of a head trauma previously described as an accidental fall caused by dehydration and exhaustion. Through a freedom of information act filing by Breitbart media, reporters were allowed to review her death certificate, and rumors are now swirling over how her reanimated corpse was able to avoid scrutiny into the final stretch of the campaign.

“It raises significant, serious new questions,” stated presidential historian Harvey Minx of Yale.

Many had previously questioned the transparency of health records the Clinton campaign had made available to the media. “Though we grieve with her family in their time of loss,” stated Trump campaign manage Kellyanne Conway, “we also, in the strongest possible terms deplore this campaign’s history of problems with transparency. Polls consistently show the public does not trust this candidate. We have stated this all along.”

Though the the last sitting president who was a reanimated corpse, James Buchanan, served out the majority of his term without significant dereliction of his duties, he is widely considered one of the least effective presidents, particularly on the diplomatic front.

The Clinton campaign has so far declined comment.

December 21, 2010

Toyota cited again: failure to disclose auto-destruct problem with Prius

Posted in satire at 2:30 pm by thewashingtonbeltsider

by Terri Firma

Toyota Motor Corp has been cited again, this time for a problem that led to a “blowing up” problem with the 2002 Prius. In a statement by the Transportation Safety Agency, it was revealed that the company knew about the problem since before the car was sold publicly, but chose to continue distributing the car till the problem could be solved internally.

It was a rarely used feature, basically for spies or high level DEA agents who purchased a government-issued brand of the car, but it was accidentally installed in a host of cars intended for consumer use.

“We are embarrassed, obviously,” a company spokesman said, “and the agents these cars were intended for found the feature very useful, but not once discussed publicly, and we apologize to them for that.”

A driver in Sawskatchewan was the first to have his car exploded in error in April, and many cars have exploded since. Toyota will recall the cars, and install an upgrade feature where needed, next spring. They will likely be in court to answer possible charges of negligence soon. They have paid out record sums over problems with the Prius in judgments over the last decade, for problems of faulty breaks, “sticky” accelerators, and inflammable gas tanks. The company’s Tokyo leadership office is reserving comment.

December 20, 2010

Palin takes to Twitter feed to celebrate life of Captain Beefheart

Posted in satire at 10:29 pm by thewashingtonbeltsider

By Tom Toburn

Sarah Palin took to her Twitter stream yesterday, to celebrate the life Don Vliet, or “Captain Beefheart,” who passed away Saturday.

Palin also updated her Facebook status in a post that recognizes the experimental musician’s passing. “As a kindred spirit,” she posted Sunday, “I also know dismissal by the mainstream press, and accomplishment by passing unorthodox beliefs into practice. May God bless you in heaven.”

She made note on her Twitter of the foundation named in Beefheart’s honor. It read “visit fund in honor Vliet’s life-visit “”

December 4, 2010

Obama pledges to deck house GOP leadership

Posted in political satire at 8:12 pm by thewashingtonbeltsider

by Tom Toburn

In a sign of increasing desperation by a President whose popularity is on the wane, and whose legislative priorities are faltering, a recent speech found President Obama more receptive to tackling Congressional Republican leaders Mitch O’Connell and John Boehner, and beating them senseless. “Its crossed my mind,” he answered a questioner who proposed physically confronting congressional adversaries at an appearance at a Des Moine High school. “Or I thought (Vice President) Joe Biden could armlock one of them, and I could get a shot in.”

The tenor of negotiations over extending the tax cuts initiated under the Bush administration have turned increasingly contentious, with supporters on both sides urging their party leaders to hold their ground.

“Our side needs to ‘man up’,” said columnist Laura Ingraham. “The president’s lip was bleeding after an elbow hit him playing basketball. He’s not so tough.”

“Filibusters are often used as hard-ball partisan tactics, and are also in play when inter-party negotiations fail,” said Presidential historian Delores Kearns-Goodwin. “But the President has a few inches and some arm-reach advantage on some of his adversaries, so we will see how the two sides match up.”

Todd Palin re-buffed in bid to become next Aqua Velva man

Posted in political satire at 4:02 am by thewashingtonbeltsider

by Terri Firma

In a further bid to establish their multi-media bona fides, the husband of former Vice Presidential hopeful Sarah Palin took the unusual step of offering to become the face of Aqua Velva in their on-line advertising. He readied several “You Tube” videos as preparation, and offered to audition, though the after-shave manufacturer denied that they were interested in continuing their successful ad campaign from earlier this year.

Though Palin’s daughter, Bristol, has successfully navigated the competition on ABC’s “Dancing with the Stars,” most of the others who surround her have not, from husband Todd to near son-in-law Levi Johnston (who recently tried but ultimately failed in his bid to become a judge or an inspector for next year’s Junior Miss America contest).

Rand Paul buys pick-up, sports new tattoos

Posted in political satire at 3:59 am by thewashingtonbeltsider

by Terri Firma

In an appeal to his base, who are comprised, in large part, of blue collar workers from Southern states, presidential candidate Ron Paul has been rolling up his shirtsleeves to show off new tattoos, and he often displays them from the driver’s side window of his new Chevy pick-up.

He sports one new one that reads “Born in the USA,” alongside tattoos, that simply display NASCAR’s Dale Ernhardt Jr. and 1970s TV personality Loni Anderson.

“It’s who I am now,” he proclaims, “and no one here can stop it. I love the heart of America, and I am proud to celebrate our most reprobate in our communities.”

He pledged half of the profits from his upcoming campaign events to NASCAR, and to the estates of deceased monster-truck competition legends and their families.

Mitch McConnell threatens to court-martial David Petreaus

Posted in political satire at 3:55 am by thewashingtonbeltsider

by Terri Firma

In what some are considering to be a fit of pique, Senate Minority leader Mitch O’Connel demanded a calling out of US General David Petraeus over his serving under a “socialist-liberal traitor” agenda, as Obama’s leader of operations in the US war in Afghanistan.

“If it were a fight worth winning, it would never be supported by a liberal-leaning former civil rights attorney such as our President,” McConnell fumed at the sub-committee hearings. “If it were not for the fact you agreed to appear for us, I would have fled this room upon your arrival, such is my disdain, and might have asked that you be censured in my absence.”

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