12.14.06
Al Sadr complains “I will not be ignored, Dan”
Comparing himself to the wronged adulteress played by Glen Close in the film “Fatal Attraction,” Shi’ite cleric Muqtada al Sadr has been telling associates “I will not be ignored. Like that film…her boyfriend turns his back, when it gets messy, because she is pregnant. In the movie. She says ‘I will not be ignored, Dan!’”
Though it is known that many Western films are popular in Iraq, it was not clear that the Muslim leader was a fan of films, in particular those of director Adrian Lyne, but he has also referred favorably in his writings to his ally in the Iraqi congress, Prime Minister al Maliki, as “very much like a young Micky Rourke,” referencing the actor from several well-regarded, early 1970’s Lyne films.
“And then Dan does not Alex to the opera. That is not me. I will run my fighters through the streets. They would be so lucky to just have a cooked rabbit or a disfigured car. I will make them really wish they had shown me respect.”
House ethics panel concludes Foley intervention “could have gone better”
by Terri Firma
The House ethics panel investigation of the page scandal is complete, and congress members who knew were “a little off the mark,” and efforts to reign in the Florida congressman’s predatory behavior “could have gone better.”
The 15 page report further disciplinary action if congressmen fail to act on predatory behavior towards pages in the future. “That congress member will henceforth be banned from having pages, unaccompanied, in his or her presence at the workplace, home or sauna.”
12.13.06
Decision 2008, Candidates Profles: Tom Vilsack announcement, not shaking up the political landscape yet
by Paula Berrer
Newly declared Democratic Presidential candidate tom Vilsack, former governor of Iowa, has had little effect on the races dynamic so far. The non-partisan Puddylsky poll showed Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, Al Gore, and John Edwards leading the pack with 41%, 21% 20% 18%, respectively, before Vilsack’s announcement. After his announcement, those numbers were 41%, 21% 20.5% and 18%, with all others claiming less than 1% support. The Iowa caucuses are the first of the 2008 primaries, but in Iowa, the numbers are 41%, 21% 20% and 17%, with all other registering at just under 1%.
“I’ll be frank with you,” said one associate, “I’m not sure if even his wife has heard of this guy. But word is, he’s a hell of a campaigner. A guy doesn’t get elected Governor of Iowa more than one year in a row without having serious ‘fire in the belly.’ So I wouldn’t count him out yet.”
Rumsfeld, “I would’ve called it ‘a step on the road to defeating terror’”
by Paula Berrer
In his farewell speech today, outgoing Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld told reporters that one of his many regrets is the use of the designation “War on Terror,” in referring to US efforts in Iraq and Afghanistan.
“This term ‘war on terror.’ It’s sloppy syntyax, for one thing. And for another, it connotes a war on the par of one of the World Wars. When what I think we needed to call Iraq, well, I would’ve called it ‘a step on the road to defeating terror,’ because that’s what it is.
And that’s a far more hopeful term, ‘a step on the road.’ I was a big fan of those Bob Hope films, ‘The Road to Shanghai,’ and ‘The Road to Ipinema,’ and so forth. Those were hopeful pictures. And they never quite got there, and neither will we, because the journey is more important than the destination. So no, I would not have framed it that way, if I had to do it again. But then I did very little of the actual ‘naming,’ per se, this time around. I would certainly want to have input on those matters, if I had it all to do again.”
The Pentagon denied that “the Road to Defeating Terror” was considered as an alternative to “War on Terror” during the time of Rumsfeld’s tenure.
12.12.06
Rangel calls for draft, McCain says “Oh fuck, I think I may have said ‘we need more troops’ at the wrong time”
by Terri Firma
At a press conference today, upon close questioning by members of the foreign press, Senator John McCain (R-AZ) admitted that it was unjudicious to recommend escalation in troop levels when a prominent member of the Democratic majority in Congress has recently recommended a draft, and said, “Oh fuck, I think I may have said ‘we need more troops’ at the wrong time” to reporters. Incoming House Ways and Means Chairman Charles Rangel told reporters several weeks ago that he would introduce legislation recommending a draft for service in the Iraq conflict, rather than relying only on the volunteer military alone. McCain has been in favor of raising troop levels to quell rising violence in Iraq.
In the past praised as being one who would not mince words with members of the traveling press corps, McCain appeared to be revealing a political calculation behind his stance on the war. He denied that this was his motivation for the thinking his verbal gaffe may have revealed. “Oh heavens no, my friends. My concern is for the troops, our brave men and women, and only secondarily for political gain.” An advisor, Marshall Whitman, asking that he be allowed to speak on condition of anonymity, calrified “besides, it’s a fucking nightmare over there either way.”
Bush announces new “way forward” in Iraq to be decided “sometime after my birthday”
by Paula Berrer
The President has decided to delay announcing plans for a new way forward in Iraq until after July 6, the day of his birthday, because, among other things, he is hoping to continue consulting with experts after the holidays, and because “things get awfully hectic around here before my birthday.”
The President had previously planned on announcing his new plans before Christmas, and then in January, and many were hoping the plans would be unveiled before deterioration in Iraq worsened beyond their current state. Many believed he would recommend the US back other power brokers in the region rather than continue his support for the Al-Maliki regime, in spite of previously defending them as the popularly elected government of the people of Iraq.
He has explained that Islamic radicals often intensify fighting as a way to force his hand, and he will stay steadfast in setting his own path and not succumbing to pressure.
The President’s zodiac sign, the Cancer, is believed to have character traits that are shrewd and cautious, according to many astrologists.
Tony Blair professes frustration at recent problems with Bush’s mental faculties
by Terri Firma
Prime Minister Tony Blair has privately told associates that he is frustrated that President Bush increasingly appears to lack normal adult intellectual faculties, and that he is consulting with insight-deficit experts at Oxford University on how to proceed within the framework of US policy in Iraq. “I understand perfectly well that there is no connection between ‘they are a threat to us’ and ‘we must stay and fight.’ I also understand that the President justifies ‘they are a threat to us’ on nothing. But are people suggesting I just say ‘well, he’s mad,’ and be done with it? That seems a bit of a dodge to me.”
The associate, asking that he not be identified as Labor Party minister Gordon Brown, admits that Blair, formerly seen as one of the world’s more adept politicians, has lost his footing, but places it in historical perspective. “Our own Winston Churchill, at one time, sat down with Stalin at Malta, and hammered out a framework that the Britains could live with, and Stalin was quite a numbskull. And this was before our modern day world, where people with these problems can be medicated. The Prime Minister seems to believe it is not beyond the pale of hope yet. I very much doubt that he is correct on this, I’m afraid.”
Princess Di phone tapped before and after her death by NSA
by Terrri Firma
Present CIA chief and former head of National Security Agency General Michael Hayden has told reporters that he was responsible for phone taps on the late Princess Diana’s phone, but only for purposes of national security, and only on phone calls with suspected or known terrorists or communists. “We always take such precautions, and though obviously, I would never accuse the former princess of consorting, a la some sort of “Mata Hari” type, we have to keep all lines of inquiry to to keep our shores safe, and I would wiretap anyone our security agencies advise us is a threat.”
Though it is unclear why the NSA continued tapping her phone after her demise, agents speaking on condition of confiedentiality said it was because the agency was not sure if she was indeed dead, and needed confirmation. There are scores of hours of dead air in the NSA archives from phone tapping that took place between the time of her autopsy and later burial. The NSA further denies any role in several exhumation attempts that were thwarted after her burial.
Reports of phone taps of Peter O’Toole’s phones are still unconfirmed.
Kofi Annan blasts Bush as “incorrigible bastard” in UN farewell speech
by Paula Berrer
Outgoing UN Secretary General Kofi Annan referred to former UN Ambassador John Bolton as “arrogant” and “contemptuous,” and to US President Bush as an “incorrigible bastard,” in his farewell speech today from Havenport, Michigan. Through a translator, Annan praised the US and its long history of defense of principles of human rights, but criticized the current President for his conduct in international relations, and his designated UN Abassador for truculence on important diplomatic matters. “Sometimes, a friendly face or demeanor hides a more recalcitrant person. In their case, even their faces are unseemly. Their underlying character is, therefore, quite uncouth and uncivil.”
His invitation to a mid afternoon White House luncheon was subsequently rescinded, but he was issued a farewell basket with a card.
12.10.06
Hasbro’s “Where’s Condi?” is top holiday gift seller
by Paula Berrer
A board game that guesses as to the whereabouts of Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice has surpassed sales of the new Star Wars Lego sets and a walking and talking Elmo doll that is also able to gestate a tiny baby monster. Hasbro chairwoman Marrianne Briggs commented “We had high hopes for this game all along, but now that it ties in, to some extent, with current political realities, and shows kids how real life leaders try to see where Secretary Rice is now, it is even more fun for them.”
Based on the popular “Where’s Waldo?” game, the product challenges players to find the, till recently, highly visible and well-regarded chief US diplomat in a series of geographic and sociological scenarios, such as a UN press conference, a negotiation between rival chiefs of state, and a dinner party at the White House executive mansion.
