12.30.06
Saddam Hussein hangs, deputy says “Marshall, I think we might’ve hung the wrong man”
by Terri Firma
After being convicted of crimes againts humanity by an Iraqi civil court, a world court deputy told the chief marshall that the wrong man was convicted, and that the Osama bin Laden is still a free man, with warrants out, and “wanted” signs still posted. “I thought I remembered something about the world being changed after 9/11,” the deputy said later “and the rest got a little fuzzy.”
In spite of this, there was tremendous cheer in the aftermath of the execution, coming in the build-up to the New Year’s celebration in the United States, when the year’s highlights are often reviewed on newsreels and year-end photo essays. “Maybe it was important that we put this behind us,” the deputy said later, “and move forward on to the next lynching.”
After tornado warning, Bush tells reporters “There’s no place like home”
by Paula Berrer
President Bush emerged shaken from an emergency shelter with a new appreciation for his home, family, and close advisors, he said today, in the wake of an emergency tornado evacuation at his Crawford ranch. He reportedly told Vice President Cheney, National Security Advisor Stephen Hadley and former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld that he saw images of a scarecrow, lion and dog in their image, in addition to a kind witch modeled after Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice.
“There was this magical wizard with all the answers, looked just like Henry Kissinger, and he told me how to click my heels together, and here I am,” he continued, before First Lady Laura Bush brought him back to SMU Hospital for further tests.
12.27.06
Bush denies “a little bird” told him Iraq would descend into violence if US forces leave
by Paula Berrer
An animated President Bush denied to reporters today at a White House press conference that his belief that Iraq would descend into chaos is based on what a little bird told him. “That is preposterous, and besides, birds don’t talk,” he asserted.
Reports out of the White House, seeking to distance the President from previous positions based on “what my gut tells me,” sought to portray the President as listening more. Advisor Bruce Bartlett, however, openly balked at the expectation he might
be looking at actual evidence. “Still, its a strefch to say this is all based, just, on what a little bird tells him.”
Many await unveiling of his new way forward in Iraq after the first of the year.
12.26.06
Laura Bush and Barney abandon Bush over Iraq policy
by Paula Berrer
President Bush’s final two strong supporters, First Lady Laura Bush and White House pet Barney, have broken with the President over future policy toward Iraq. “I think the President is wrong. I do not think a troop surge will quell the violence,” Barney told George Stephanopolous in ABC’s “This Week” on Sunday. “And, frankly, I don’t think many in this town think there is anything that would quell the violence, and that we should re-think our very reason for having a continued presence. I’ve stopped the walks with George and am wagging my tail a lot less in light of this.”
This is in the aftermath of having lost support from many evangelical voters over broken promises on his vales agenda, the loss of the support of many fiscal conservatives because of the way the White House has failed to reign in spending, and the loss of the support of large sections of the deep South in the aftermath of continued reconstruction mishaps in the hurricane ravaged Gulf Coast region. However, so-called “neo-conservatives,” who favor a muscular, pro-active foreign policy, continue to publicly stand by the President. “Most people still consider the President’s mandate to be strong, said weekly standard editor Bill Kristol on FOX News Sunday. “I expect polls will show admiration for his resolute adherence to principle, and that is especially true now that his wife and his dog have abandoned him.”
Santa Claus’ sled shot down over Iraq
by Paula Berrer
In a highly unfortunate turn of events, Santa Claus had his sligh and reindeers shot down in an area north of Basra when he entered restricted airspace last evening in the midst of his yearly humanitarian mission to bring toys to children. Several army generals have confirmed that the sleigh was Santa’s, and the injured reindeer in question were Donner and Prancer. Though it was believed that there was enemy fire involved initially, it is now clear that US forces fired on the sled when it accidentally entered the “no-fly zone,” and American forces had labored to get the presents out before the morning of the 25th, but it is unlikely the presents willl arrive in time. “That is secondary,” said US Army General Duvall. “What is most important is that the driver, Mr. Claus, is resting comfortably at Andrews Air Force base, and the reindeer have been reunited with their families.”
Regular procedure is that friendly and humanitarian transport alert the army ahead of time if planning to travel across protected air space. The army will be tightening its recognition typologies in light of the mishap.
Voters believe Hillary and Obama would fare best on “Dancing with the Stars,” McCain best on national security
by Tom Toburn
In voter polls based on trends out of New Hampshire, where early decisions in the Presidential primaries are made, voters are favoring Republican John McCain on most of the substantive issues, but think Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama would be the most effective at competing on the televsion program, “Dancing with the Stars.” The program, which airs on ABC on Wednesday nights, provides an outlet where celebrities can dance with professionals and earn prizes, and most voters do not feel Republican hopefuls McCain, or his challengers (including former New York mayor Rudy Guiliani, New Hampshire Governor Mitt Romney, and even former Florida Governor Jeb Bush) could perform gracefully on the program.
The poll asked respondents who among the Republican hopefuls could most effectively handle international security matters, and found voters preferred McCain over both Guiliani and Romney by almost a 2 to 1 margin, but they trusted Guiliani to make the best decisions on domestic national security. The question was not posed effectively as far as the democratic hopefuls. The poll had a sampling error of 2-3 percentage points, and the differences between the candidates in each case was outside the margin of error.
Generals tell President, “you can if you want to,” endorsing plans for troop surge
by Tom Toburn
After weeks of weighing options on Iraq, and extensive time studying manuels and analyses from experts in the intelligence and defense community, the White House has decided that they will stay the course in Iraq “as we always thought that we would do, but I’m justr glad we thought about it first,” according to chief of staff Josh Bolten. “The President was expecting some possibility that the joint chiefs or the military commanders might resist staying the course; that is not te case after all. They said, quote, ‘you can if you want to. What do you want us to say?’ They basically endorsed what has been our plan all along. And we’re quite thrilled that they’ve come around.”
Also supporting the President’s plan is incoming Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates who agreed to visit Iraq and then recommend a troop surge after he was asked to visit Iraq and recommend a troop surge earlier in the week by the President’s advisors. “That did occur, yes, and we felt Bob needed some direction,” Vice President Dick Cheney said, agreeing to speak on the issue only if granted confidentiality. “And we appreciate the Secretary’s candor in most cases, but not in every case. He’s not President, and, more importantly, he’s not the Vice President of this country.”
12.16.06
Terror plot foiled: holiday gift bags with Anthrax were to be passed around by American consumers
by Terri Firma
A terror plot was discovered before any lives were claimed in East Lansing Michigan today. It was intended to spread Anthrax among denizens of a small midwestern community, and then possibly across the continent, by seeding holiday gift bags with a dangerous biological substance before the bags were used to re-gift presents headed to other towns and municiplaities in the greater midwest area and beyond.
“It is a uniquely American habit, this taking a gift out, then keeping the bag, and using it to re-bag another gift item for somebody else,” said Homeland Security spokesman Ed Dobaney. “It becomes like a chain letter but far more insidious, and thus, this was to be a terror plot of a massive proportions.”
12.15.06
Congressman develops facial mole, Senate control hangs in the balance-developing
by Tom Toburn
Democratic Senator Sam Hastings (D-FL) has developed a facial mole with the potential for malignancy, reporters have learned, leading to speculation that Senate control may return to the Republicans. Though little is known about the chance for survival, and some staffers have insisted the mole is just an ink stain, Senate rules stipulate that death from skin cancer is one of the ways control of the seat would go to an appointee from the Florida Governor, a Republican, who would likely name a Republican successor.
12.14.06
Pelosi denies saying “I can’t wait to get those rat bastards” with new subpoena power
by Tom Toburn
Speaker of the House-elect Nancy Pelosi is embroiled in controversy once again, after a FOX News analyst reports overhearing her tell a colleague “I can’t wait to get those rat bastards, now that I have subpoena power.” The reporter, Charles Dunesworthy, told columnist Robert Novak that the Speaker was referring to an opportunity to investigate wrong-doing by the Bush Administration, including allegations of election fraud, contractual abuse by firms leading Iraq and Katrina reconstruction efforts, and special favors granted to energy industry giants who were participants on Vice President Dick Cheney’s energy task force early in the Bush Presidency.
A Pelosi spokeswoman said “The speaker only very rarely refers to anyone as a ‘rat bastard,’ so I find it very difficult to imagine attributing that quote to her. And if she did say it, I think she was referring only to Cheney, and that is actually a fairly accurate characterization of the Vice President.”
