11.24.06
Bush approval ratings drop, Snow says internal polls show a bounce
by Tom Toburn
The latest Pew Research poll shows a drop in President Bush’s approval to 9%, but White House Press Secretary Tony Snow is indicating that internal polling is showing a bounce. He said that polling by political strategist Karl Rove and the Republican National Committee are showing continued gains.
“It’s amazing how the American public is really rallying around the President again,” Snow said, “but the American people typically rally around the President at times of adversity. We think, ultimately, the electorate will realize their mistakes, and their repulsion towards Speaker-elect Pelosi, and the liberal secular agenda, and will vote to recall these criminals. Our polling is showing some trending in this direction. And we think the President’s approval will bounce back above the 11% mark in the public polls too.”
Bush says Democrats do not deserve a mandate “because I had one first”
by Paula Berrer
On the heels of their re-capturing both houses Congress, President Bush hopes to deny the opposition its mandate on domestic and national security policy, arguing, “I got the mandate first. I got the political capital first. And I still plan on spending it.”
He has told aids that he is finally ready to to push very, very hard for an agenda that focuses on deeper and more permanent tax cuts, privatization of social security, personal health care accounts to replace Medicare, and more wartime powers for the present chief executive branch.
11.23.06
Bush 41 defends son against hecklers at comedy club
by Tom Toburn
Former President George Herbert Walker Bush defended his son after he entered the stage impropmptu at a Washington area stand-up comedy club to heckles and boos. Current President, George W. Bush, entered the stage as the headline act was preparing, and said he intended to “warm up the crowd,” before verbal catcalls, including inflammatory remarks about ending the US presence in Iraq, came his way. “My son will never ‘cut and run,’ and people in this audience should be ashamed of themselves for treating him in this way,” he said.
“I am a father,” he continued, “and it hurts to see when your son doesn’t get laughs, even when he has pretty funny material, and I wish you all would remember you live in this country where everyone in the world wants to be, and none of you have even been arrested yet.”
Schwarzenegger ceremonial turkey strangling proceeds without a hitch
by Terri Firma
The annual Thanksgivig celebration in the state capitol, this year marked by a stranging of a Thanksgiving turkey by Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger with his bare hands, took place this morning, and was greeted by an enthusiastic crowd of almost 7,000 well-wishers and supporters. “We did not have Thanksgiving in my home country,” the Governor said in prepared remarks. “We would all still be at work. I wish you were too, but I can not rescind state holidays without the legislatures support. Oops. I meant to use the other speech. This was supposed to be the one that was discarded.”
Meanwhile, in Texas, Governor-elect Rick Perry marshalled in the holidays with the annual turkey poisoning and electrocution.
White House Thanksgiving Turkey called up for duty in Iraq
by Paula Berrer
Before it could be brought out for the ceremonial Presidential party, it was discovered that the White House Thanksgiving turkey was not in residence at the White House, and had in fact been called up for active duty in Iraq. “We will be post-poning the annual Thanksgiving Day event,” White House spokesman Dan Bartlett, but he denied that the White House would be pardoning another turkey in its place. It is expected that the turkey will be recalled from duty with the 109th infantry division, returned to the United States, set for execution, then pardoned. All professed relief that his whereabouts are known, particularly as it is believed that he had not been adequately outfitted or trained for the Iraq mission to which he was assigned.
11.21.06
“We think we’re going to take the anti-Iran position this time,” says Gates.
by Paula Berrer
“We think we’re going to take the anti-Iran position this time,” Defense Secretary nominee Robert Gates told members of former Secretary of defense Donald Rumsfeld’s national security team, according to a leaked notes from internal deliberations, “and there’s a lot of evidence to support this.” This was to make a distinction between his past positions vis a vis Iran, when he saw them as opponents at the time of the Iran-Iraq War, then as allies in the arms for aid swap at the time of the Iran-Contra deal, then as an impediment to nuclear non-proliferation in the present day.
“It’s a little like trading Shaquille O’Neal to the Miami team. Now if you are an LA Lakers fan, you’re still going to root for the big guy, even though Miami is a different state then California, right? Because you like Shaquille. And you see him beat up those little defenders, one teams in the east or the teams in the west. And here, we can get everyone behind us on this little state or another. Communists, states that sponsor terrorism, what have you. It’s like the Harlem Globetrotters. A lot of times, they played the Washington Generals, or some bunch of stiffs, but you love them, and they’d win. That’s what we’re, ultimately, engaged for. So the fans can see us win. Right?”
Bush, Putin and Hu discuss diplomatic matters over pajama party
by Paula Berrer
President Bush took the opportunity of his overseas trip to have a pajama party with Russian Prime minister Putin and Chinese Minister Hu Jintao to discuss economic issues, world diplomacy, and which country has the best “ghost story.” In a highly unusual move, the party was held during the day, “because prime Minister Jintao tells some particularly scary stories, and we were concerned about the scare it might put into Laura Bush,” an aide to Putin said through a translator. “It’s like that movie ‘The Ring’ or ‘The Grudge’ or something, only scarier. Something about a chain letter and people found with their throats slit. I’m still a little shaken up by it.” Also praised was the chance for the world leaders to resolve hostilities through pillow fights, rather than long distance diplomatic contacts through surrogates. “I look to the Chinese Minister and the Russian Prime Minister to continue stepping up to the plate, and working with the world community in the war on terror,” Bush said.
Ken Mehlman persona was just a disguise, actress Hillary Swank admits
by Paula Berrer
Actress Hillary Swank has come clean on her ruse on the public, pretending to be public figure and Republican activist Ken Mehlman. This is after stepping down as chairman of the Republican National Committee, in light of the need to promote her upcoming horror film, “The Reaping,” for Universal Pictures.
The actress is in fact an Academy Award recipient for a role impersonating a male, the late Matthew Sheppard, in the film “Boys Don’t Cry.” Swank denies that her ruse played any part in her estrangement and divorce from actor Chad Lowe, who she says was largely supportive of her need to pretend to be Mehlman in the final years of their marriage.
11.19.06
Bush on visiting Viet Nam, “we should’ve stayed in Viet Nam the first time, and we may come back too”
by Tom Toburn
To a highly receptive audience in Hanoi, President Bush pledge that the US government will not repeat the mistakes made in Viet Nam in the present fight in Iraq, and said “That was a real quagmire and this time, it’s just a little bit of one.” He continued later, “we should’ve stayed in Viet Nam the first time, and we may come back too”
The Bush Administration previously tried to downplay parallels between the two conflicts, but some are now embracing the analogy, seeing the Iraq War as a way to justify what might have been a “Stay the Course” policy in Viet Nam, before the American people lost the will to continue the fight. “Few saw it that way at the time. A lot of us see it that way now. And my Administration fortunately houses a lot of the great minds who were not bogged down fighting that war; if we’d been there, we might’ve handled things differently.”
11.17.06
Iraq study group report supports “a little more ’stay the course,’ then maybe change course later”
by Tom Toburn
President Bush’s hard-line stance has been vindicated by the expected findings in the Iraqi study group report, which will support Bush’s contention that staying in Iraq with a strategy of fighting to win is supportable, and, according to one source, “is sustainable, if we just close our eyes and hope really, really hard.” The panel, which includes respected Republicans and Democrats, former US Attorney General Edwin Meese, and the comedian, Carrot Top, has had the sealed findings under wraps for several weeks, but the leaked findings seem to justify the President’s vocal protestations that some strategies for change should be left off the table, including most strategies that, in some formal sense, indicate change. “I don’t mind calling it a change, so long as it is not really a change,” he told the expert panel in their face-to-face meeting last week. “That would be my one qualification.”
