11.30.06
Bush still not ready to use the term “civil war,” but promises to stop using the word “foment”
by Terri Firma
In response to increasing public pressure, the President has announced that he will cease using the word “foment” when describing sectarian violence that escalates throughout Iraq, though he is still does not agree with the position that “civil war” is the term he should use to describe the civil war in the region.
“The words ‘civil war’ are very inflammatory and antagonistic,” he said at a Rose Garden press conference today, “but I am sensitive to the fact that a lot of people find the word ‘foment’ to be a linguistically awkward, and sort of ’stupid-sounding,’ description. I admit I have accused Al Qaeda of fomenting the violence in Iraq. I meant to say ‘fanning’ the violence in Iraq. That’s probably the term I’ll use from now on.”
Press Secretary Tony Snow later clarified by stating that the President and the White House have, for some time, been looking for ways to limit the use of adverbs, pronouns and passive verbs as well.
Jim Webb claims he never called the President “a dick”
by Tom Toburn
Senator-elect Jim Webb (D-VA) is denying that he used the words “a dick” about the President in the context of a face-to-face meeting between the two Tuesday, since a controversy has erupted surrounding the encounter.
“I may have used the words ‘pants pisher,’” Webb said through a spokesman, “but people know it is highly improbable that that other derogatory term could have come from me, salty Navy language notwithstanding.”
The widely reported story involves pleasantries between the Senator-elect and the President at a recent White House reception for freshman members of Congress. The President reportedly asked Webb, “How’s your boy?” to which Webb replied that he would like to see the troops pulled from Iraq, and he would like to see Cindy Sheehan come along for a sit and chat about issues of the troops return. Bush said back “I didn’t ask about that, and Ms. Sheehan is hysterical numbskull,” before spitting at Webb’s feet and leaving. Webb reportedly took exception to the ill-advised charactization of anti-war protestor Sheehan and said, “What a dick,” but his representatives are now disputing this claim.
Some have made pains to point out that many characters in Mr. Webb’s novels have used terms like “dick,” “prick,” “schmuck,” and “proboscus,” but Webb’s representatives insist that the word probuscus “is another word for nose.”
The Senator-elect is expected to address questions about the encounter in a press conference later today.
Hadley memo described Maliki as mildly autistic
by Paula Berrer
A widely quoted memo, leaked to the press and describing Iraqi Prime Minister and his efforts with the elected Iraqi parliament
, also described the Prime Minister as someone who is also “mildly autistic, (if not) suffering from some form of attention deficit disorder.”
The original excerpts of the memo stated: “His intentions seem good when he talks with Americans, and sensitive reporting suggests he is trying to stand up to the Shia hierarchy and force positive change. But the reality on the streets of Baghdad suggests Maliki is either ignorant of what is going on, misrepresenting his intentions, or that his capabilities are not yet sufficient to turn his good intentions into action.” However, the other passages have since been made available, and place the previously leaked portions into a different context. They state “The other possibility is that the Prime Minister is mildly autistic, or suffering from some form of attention deficit disorder.”
“These are my conclusions, based on high level talks with the Prime Minister and his advisors, and though I have kept this somewhat close to the vest, I have not ruled out suggesting Lithium or Ritalin, or some other way to bring him along as a penultimate step before entertaining new leadership in the country.”
Maliki asks Bush if he washed his hands before agreeing to handshake
by Paula Berrer
For the second day in a row, Irqi Prime Minister Nouri Al-Maliki took an inhospitable tone with US Preside George Bush, this time asking that Bush wash his hands again before agreeing to a handshake. This came a day after postponing a meeting Bush flew to his region of the world to attend.
“I don’t know where his hands have been, I’m afraid, and I will be asked if I shook hands with the baby killers before they washed their hands, by my wife later,” Maliki reportedly told Bush aids, through a translator.
Bush later asked reporters to not take Maliki’s comments out of context. “He’s just a big kidder. I can see that in his soul,” the President said.
11.29.06
Maliki admits he’s not clear what “completing the mission” is
by Terri Firma
Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri Al-Maliki professed on Al Jazeera television today that he does not know what US diplomats are referring to when they describe “victory” and “completing the mission.” “They never asked us what we think this means, and we never ask them.”
He described still safe conditions in the government-based “green zone” as an important goal, and said the hope of ensuring the country does not provide safe haven to terrorists “is already true, because it’s already not one. It never would be. They already have so many nices places to live and go.”
Hannity attributes Pelosi-Harman conflict to “sick lesbian love-triangle”
by Tom Toburn
Sean Hannity told his TV audience Friday that the controversy between incoming speaker Nancy Pelosi and Congresswoman Jane Harman surrounding the chair of the House National Security Committee comes down to “a sick lesbian love-triangle,” and compared their dynamic with Congressman Alcee Hastings as “something out of one of (singer) Melissa Etheridge’s playbook.” (Etheridge had a child out of wedlock with singer-songwriter David Crosby, and raised the child with her lesbian partner).
Pundits on both sides have been criticized for characterizing the conflict less as legitimate policy differences, as something personal, and have eschewed political analysis in favor of a story line describing the power struggle as more akin to a “cat fight.” None have gone as far as Hannity, who insists that the Harman-Hastings-Pelosi dynamic is akin to a lesbian power feud, but he insists such information is well-known in most circles in Washington.
Hannity asserted that he has extended invitations to both congresswomen to discuss their respective sides in the debate, but that they have, thus far declined.
Iraqis form “US study group”
by Terri Firma
Reports have emerged that Iraqis in the provisional government have formed their own “US Study Group,” now discussing long-range goals for Iraqi participation in the US occupation. “We thought it was high time,” said a source. “If they can have a study group about us, then, darn it, we want to have one too.”
The chief contrast from the Iraqi group compared to the US group is a focus on how to maximize use of US resources, and minimize use of Iraqi resources. Both groups are in concordance, however, on the need to shift policy emphasis away from benchmarks or timetables for lessening US involvement in the country. “That would not be in our best interest,” the Iraqi report reportedly concludes, “because otherwise, when we break stuff, we’ll be expected to fix it.”
11.28.06
Iraq not in civil war, “more like a very violent, radical PMS”
by Paula Berrer
White House spokesman Tony Snow asserted today that journalists are being irresponsible in calling the upsurge in violence in Iraq as being compatible with the label “civil war,” and argued that it better resmbles “a very violent, radical PMS.” He said “it is an analogy, if you will, that has some resonance to it, because this is after women are welcomed into it a political process in Iraq where they were previously shut out. Also, it is violence that is cyclic, and it happens in waves. I know Condi has not chosen to embrace this analogy, but I think it is quite helpful.”
On NBC’s Today Show with Matt Lauer earlier in the day, Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice chose to distance herself from Snow’s comments. He made the remarks after several news organizations, including NBC, started to refer to what was previously considered “sectarian violence” as a descent into civil war. “I do not think ‘Premenstrual Syndrome’ means exactly what Secretary Snow thinks it means, but I agree that inflammatory language, like calling this civil war ‘a civil war, 
is injudicious and against American principles and undermines the spread of freedom.”
President Bush earlier had tried to characterize the violence as unlike a civil war, and more like a series of Al Qaeda-driven divisive actions in the war-torn country, though fighters associated with Al Qaeda have largely been discredited and part of a very small minority since the violence began. “This is irresponsible, and a little defeatist, frankly. After all: it empowers the enemy to let them see us label things in certain ways. They watch our newscasts just as much as Dharma and Greg re-runs, and we must never underestimate the influence our actions have.”
One of Iraq’s communications ministers, Talik Anibar “Jenna” Elifamandi, confirmed that the American newscasts rank closely behind sit-com re-runs, including “Dharma and Greg” and “The Simpsons,” in viewership throughout Baghdad and other areas where fighting has intensified.
11.25.06
Bush to Iraqi militants: “You can stop trying to influence the US elections now”
by Paula Berrer
As the violence increases, and the prediction that the escalation was only a means to influence US mid-term elections proves to be less than prescient, President Bush continues to insist that the violence is only a means of sending a message to the United States. He has decided to speak out, and is making entreaties to the insurgents, saying “The violence can stop, and you can stop trying to influence the US elections now.”
In an interview with CBS News to be aired Sunday, the President also expressed frustration that the insurgents failed to de-escalate following the Iraq elections, which he had reassured Americans was violence designed only to break the spirit of those desiring democracy in the Middle East. “It is their desire to foil our expectations at every turn, to make us look the fools, and they better understand: I’m getting a little tired of it.”
11.24.06
Tony Blair says he was misquoted when he said US foreign policy is run by “a garish, gaggle of simpletons”
by Paula Berrer
British Prime Minister Tony Blair is claiming that he never called President Bush and his foreign policy team “a garish gaggle of simpletons, or called former Defense Secretary Rumsfeld and Vice President Cheney “a couple of wankers.” “I was missquoted. It all comes to context. What is being reported is hopelessly innaccurate. I never called anyone ‘wankers.’ I was referring to some skin problems, called ‘cankers,’ as in ‘canker sores.’”
“It is a dreadful thing when these tabloids run stories like these.” The London Mirror and the Guardian, for their part, are denying that they are tabloids, and say that the Prime Minister was not missquoted. “He said it on a videotaped interview show. Who does he think he’s kidding?”
This follows the recent controversy over an interview with David Frost, where the Prime Minister said he was missquoted when he described US President Bush as “an abject loser.”
