10.26.06
Iraq retains services of sports agent Arn Tellem
by Paula Berrer
After new demands in the press regarding timelines and handover of security responsibilities in a fashion some are calling premature, Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri Al Maliki has decided to retain the services of United States sports agent Arn Tellem to negotiate term more acceptable to his government. The firm owned by Arn Tellem represents Miami Heat center Shaquille O’Neal among others. “They do not wish to feel pressure, when their minds should mainly be on going out performing,” Tellem said at a press conference, standing beside Al Maliki and a translator, “and as the public statements place pressure, we feel it is not in anyone’s best interest…and we wonder if we are being shown the proper respect, and whether we may pull out of negotiations all together. And others have certainly shown in interest in working with us.” Though not naming any nations specifically, it is believed that nations as diverse as India, Iran, China, and Russia have shown recenrt interest in working with the emerging nation-state, particular in light of past potential demonstration and its unique oil-producing skills. “We believe there is tremendous upside-potential here,” an Iranian source confided, “and that’s why our scouts have had our eye on them from the start.”
Past statements by the state department have indicated a willingness to work with Iraq whatever its needs at any particular time, but future negotiations will be through Tellem’s firm specifically. Iraq recently ended its initial flirtations with the firm owned by suspected Jew Leigh Steinberg, who works with NFL quarterback Jake Plummer.
Limbaugh says Michael J. Fox wants the terrorists to win
by Paula Berrer
Conservative commentator Rush Limbaugh told Katie Couric in an interview that Michael J. Fox is a communist, who wants the terrorists to win. “What else explains these commercials, at this time, before an election?”
Fox has been criticized by Limbaugh for a commercial in support of Missouri Senate candidate Claire McCaskill, and her position on stem-cell research..
“And I don’t think he has Parkinson’s Disease either. But like with our other hero-martyr Christopher Reeve, our liberal media is just a little too biased to ask these kind of questions, because it’s easier to shoot the messenger,” Limbaugh said.
10.25.06
Decision 2008, Candidate Profiles: Barack Obama, can he win, or does his head on top of his body look too much like a lollipop?
by Paula Berrer
Though previously professing almost no desire to run in the 2008 Presidential campaign, Illinois Senator Barack Obama’s name has appeared more often recently as an attractive alternative as a candidate, but it forces discussion of an issue that has been part of a whispering campaign since he first burst onto the national scene: the fact that his rather large head looks like the head of a lollipop alongside his more slender and diminutive trunk and body, and the fact that he is nearly invisible, as a result, when viewed from the side.
“I don’t see it as a liability at all,” he has said. “When candidates debate, it is usually face-to-face.” Indeed Obama’s left his greatest impressions as a pblic figure before face-on before the cameras in a keynote speech at the 2004 Democratic Convention. However, he would be the first candidate who appears this similar to a lollipop to run for high executive office since James Polk’s candidacy and eventual ascendency to cheif executive in 1845.
News analysis: Is the “pro-life” agenda decidedly “anti-life” if it is the life of someone who may vote for a Democrat?
by Terri Firma
Actor Michael J. Fox appears in a commerical endorsing Senate candidate Claire McCaskill against incumbent Senator Jim Talent, and argues that his support goes to the candidate willing to support stem cell research because it could save the life of victims of disease such as Parkinson’s Disease, but he knows that the Republican base, the voters who support Talent, respond to appeals for the life of unborn children, and also, in the high profile Terri Schiavo debate, those of unprotected innocents dying of brain diseases for which they can not argue for their own lives. It raises the question of if the current calculus is whether a life is worth saving only if it is clear it will help the party’s electoral chances in upcoming elections. After all, there is little chance of an upcoming election being influenced unduly by the legions of “snow flake babies,” or untold numbers of comatose patients, but children who are already born into poverty or the homes of unwed mothers may vote for Democrats unless Republicans can get to them in their churches, which may be a high cost enterprise in the long-run. They are questions worth exploring with supporters of the family-values, pro-life community. Does the pro-life agenda mean only saving the unborn or nearly dead?
Republican position paper: “Cut and run” is the Democrats, “Stay the Course” is the old Republicans, “stay and play” was the last try, but now it’s “cut, stay, play, adapt, then run”
by Paula Berrer
In a position paper newly released by the Republican Senate Campaign Committee is declaring a new position on the war: The paper states, in part, “‘Cut and run’” is the Democrat catch phrase, “‘Stay the Course’” is the old Republican catch phrase, “’stay and play’” was the last try, but now we’re going to use “‘cut, stay, play, adapt, then run.’” (This, unfortuantely, undercuts another recent attempt by a Republican message specialist, “bait and switch,” which tested poorly in urban and suburban markets where voters are showing declining interest in GOP tickets nationally).
This is in the aftermath of announcements last week that changes in strategy will not, under any circumstances, be tolerated, but changes in tactics will be tolerated, as long as they don’t involve changes in tactics, or use the word “strategy” in any way. It does, however, permit synonyms of the word “strategy,” such as “game plan,” “policy,” approach,” “line of attack,” or “strategem.”
“I think we have a message that voters will not only embrace, but be fairly less mystified and outraged by,” RSCC Chairman Chad Tobin said of the document. “We’ve worked hard on this baby. It’s ready for prime time. This is the last one. We promise.”
10.24.06
Rocket scientist explains why insurgents timed attacks to coincide with mid-term elections
by Tom Toburn
The administration has again retained rocket scientist Pilar Putnam, this time to explain why the insurgents in Iraq have chosen to increase attacks to coincide with the upcoming US Congressional elections, and in a conference call, he attributed it to a little known concept that derives from chaos theory and string theory. “There is a construct we use inceasingly called ‘artificial hip’ theory. In a nutshell, it states that if something could not possibly be, and you temporarily place something like a prosthesis, you can see how it might someday be so. Similar with the insurgents. Though they may not know now, in this time and space, why they are hurting Republican prospects, there is a dimension that exists whereby attacking and killing more soldiers and civilians, destroying more of the country, makes a sort of sense to them, and then the whole political equation, and the speakership and chairmanships become an afterthought.
“Now I have not visited Iraq, but I have some proofs I have written up that I can show anyone who is interested.”
Mehlman says Republicans never said “stay the course”; it was probably a misprint by the liberal press
by Tom Toburn
Republican National Committee chairman Ken Mehlman explained to Matt Lauer on NBC’s Today program that President Bush and Congressional Republicans never meant to lead the American people to believe that the strategy for victory in Iraq is one of “stay the course,” and accused members of the elite liberal media of spinning recent comments by the administration as somehow contradictory of earlier assertions. “It is almost slanderous, Matt, to declare that anyone in this administration ever used the words ’stay the course,’ and if we did, it is probably because we were misquoted by the liberal press,” Mehlman said.
“If our appearances on TV were somehow dubbed by the program producers before viewers saw them, such that our lips moved and the words ’stay the course’ came out of them, people may think they saw Republicans making these assertions. The only real and reliable marker of this is in our own minds is whether we think we said it, and as of now, we think we did not. So I very highly doubt we ever said it, Matt.”
Burns describes “secret plan” to rid world of evil
by Paula Berrer
In a debate Friday, Senator Conrad Burns (R-MT) accused his democratic challenger, John Tester, of defeatism in the war on glaobal terror, and said that he and the Republicans in Congress have a secret plan to rid the world of evil, but he will not tell anyone what it is. “There are a lot of plans, some still in the planning stages, but some in the ‘ready to stop the planning and go ahead and do them’ stage. And they will rid the world of evil a lot sooner than candidate Tester, and all his nonsense about corporate lobbyists and Jack Abramoff, of which I have not been charged of one thing!”
Tester has criticized Burns for failing to provide a coherent vision for the conflict in Iraq, but Burns has defended the approach as “sound and credible, if you think about it long enough,” and says that he has been in secret meetings with President Bush, where long-term strategy has been discussed. “I challenge my opponent to come up with an uplifting vision for this country. I have one. It’s a secret plan. I can’t tell anyone what it is, but it is so that we may rid the world of evil, once and for all, and I think the American people are tired of naysayers like John Tester.”
Schwarzenegger trounces Angelides in issues debate for being “not very good looking”
by Terri Firma
In the debate between candidates for governor hosted by the League of Women Voters last night, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger accused challenger Phil Angelides of being ill equipped to beat him in this fall’s election “because nobody likes you, and you are not very good-looking,” in a crucial closing segment. Angelides had accused the current Governor of pandering to special interests, and failing to keep his promises to voters, but Schwarzenegger riposted that the state’s former treasurer intended to raise taxes on voters, and said “people will believe me because they like me better, and that is that.”
To this point, Schwarzenegger has attracted the support of Republicans, Democrats, independents, people who pay little or no attention to issues or ads in election cycles, and fans of extremely violent movies.
Katie Couric to go topless on CBS Evening News during sweeps week
by Terri Firma
As her ratings decline, and in the face of competition by charismatic news anchors like ABC News’ Charles Gibson, CBS Evening News anchor Katie Couric will be broadcasting topless through most of the November “sweeps period,” it was learned Friday, and may chair a segment called “America’s Strangest Home Videos used as possible news footage,” as a late fix for the problem of attracting disinterested news viewers.
Producers of the news program gambled that Ms. Couric’s unique reporting style and disarming manner would be an attraction for news viewers, and though there has been little success so far, CBS executives are still convinced that their experiment can be salvaged “if we can just get the public’s attention for a little while.”
