08.31.06
Bush declares “We will not leave Iraq till the job is done, and the job won’t be done until we leave Iraq”
by Terri Firma
In an interview yesterday, President Bush asserted that he does not plan to abandon the mission in Iraq, and insisted “I know it. I see it. You don’t. It’s this tautology thing, you see,” He said that he will respond forcefully to detractors who cite public opinion polls showing declining support for him on this issue.
He denied that new “catch phrases” bandied about by surrogates like “We meant for it to go better,” and “Stay and adapt…or not,” will not influence his approach. “We have to show resolve,” he said, “and show that the evildoers can not strike against freedom loving peoples.”
At one point, a child, standing near his mother, Reuters reporter Helen Magnuson, queried “But what if there are other possibilities, besides what you are saying?” to which the President retorted, “I read that stupid ‘Emperor’s New Clothes’ book too, and I’m not buying it. Now get back there behind your mama there, junior, and stop voting for this here nonsense, because it’ll let the terrorists take away our liberty.”
Bush to ease environmental regulations on laser beams
by Paula Berrer
Complaining that the regulations place unreasonable limits on laser beam manufacturers’ ability to compete in the global marketplace, President Bush has chosen to waive restrictions that kept high grade plutonium laser beam emissions away from cities and towns in Las Vegas, by executive order.
“The restrictions were draconian. I commend the President for taking this action,” said Wink Bnero of CloTec Defense Contracting, the country’s largest plutonium laser beam manufaturer. “There is nothing harmful about the rays at all. In fact, a lot of kids in these areas love those Lazer Tag games, where you run away from these beams. It’s not really so different.”
Rumsfeld: Terrorists just like Nazis, because both are mean and scary
by Tom Toburn
Reporters complained to Defense Secretary that he should not compare Nazis to terrorists, because they are not equivalent, to which he responded, “No, they are identical. They’re both mean and scary.”
Still sporting several tattoos and a newly shaved scalp, he defended his remarks from the day before to Veterans Legion group. He has added a teardrop tattoo under one eye, which he says is for the sadness he feels that people hate him for his freedoms.
When a questioner complained that Nazism means something different, and Nazism was an ideology rather than a form of intimidation, Rumsfeld forcefully responded “Both have bad people running them, both are murder-based, and you can’t show signs of weakness. And with both, we’d much rather fight them in Europe than over here.”
Bush declares “I never said Iraq and 9/11 linked. You did.”
by Terri Firma
At a press conference Tuesday, in the midst of defending his decision to enter into an incursion with Iraq, the President said 9/11 and Iraq were not linked, and said “I never said they were. You did.”
When reporters told the President that he was the one who drew the parallel originally, and reporters simply repeated it based on what he claimed was confidential information, he said that they had said it first, he said, “Yeah, well you said it before I was even born!”
When reporters accused the President of just being petulent, he insisted, “I know you are, but what am I?”
Despite public outcry against more speeches on Iraq, Bush to deliver more of them in coming months
by Terri Firma
As President Bush prepares for his next series of speeches outlining his strategy for victory in Iraq there has been a gathering public outcry, with some influential policy groups who are invited to these settings sending signals that, after the last series of speeches, this next round is simply asking too much of them.
“Oh, please God, no,” said one foreign policy think-tank representative, who asked that she be able to speak on condition of anonymity. “The leaps of logic, the problems with syntax, then those awful applause lines. We can’t take it anymore.”
Other groups, that represent public interests, are objecting to being inundated in free media by further messages from the President on Iraq. They say they are sorry his poll numbers are down, and they understand his need to speak, but disagree that the low poll number imply that people just haven’t heard the message from him often enough, and need more speeches in order to change their mind. “It’s just noise pollution at this point,” said Dara Cremmins of the public policy advocacy group, Common Awareness. “The public is getting frustrated. They are saying ‘We get it. We understand what you are trying to say. We just don’t agree. Is that okay?’ That doesn’t change with more speeches. We are mainly hearing that people are developing a harder time listening to speeches, and are want it stop, maybe even feeling taken for granted, and want the government’s support in that.”
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08.30.06
News analysis: mainstream critics say “the victims of Katrina are a bunch of big babies”
by Tom Toburn
Mainstream pundits are striking back at liberal spin on the one year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina, widely perceived as a low point for the Bush presidency, but a high water mark for social conservatives opposed to big government.
“Why are we supposed to all cry ‘boo-hoo’ everytime somebody asks for a handout?” Rush Limbaugh asked callers on his syndicated program Tuesday. “Anyone ever hear of picking up a shovel and digging out your family? Reminds me of that ‘Grapes of Wrath’ tripe I had to read in high school. In my family, it was all about picking yourself up by your bootstraps, as it were. A lot of them did.
“The victims of Katrina are a bunch of big babies. They got everything they deserved.”
Blogger and analyst Michelle Malkin added “It’s all just the liberal media. Of course no one wanted these peopel to die, except me. Those people were just filthy trash. And trash is often washed out to sea. And that’s all anyone should hear about it.”
Ann Coulter opined “Of course it’s just all the whining and complaining of the pampered liberals again. And why won’t they criticize that pussy Ray Nagin? Or that other pig, that fat Democratic Mayor or Governor or whatever the fuck that strange transsexual lady was?”
And Bill O’Reilly said “What were they thinking, living in this area so close to weak levees, anyway? Then they want to be rescued? It’s not rational, and it’s not fair.”
Most sympathetic to the victims was Sean Hannity, who wondered “When the levees cracked, why didn’t they run? I understand, since my initial reporting, that a lot of them didn’t have cars, but then why the hell didn’t they call a cab?”
Rumsfeld shaves head, takes to sporting new tattoos
by Paula Berrer
Straining to be taken seriously and feared again, after another unimpressive outing at the American Legion Annual Meeting yesterday in Utah, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has shaved his head, and is wearing two new tattoos on this forearm, one that says “Born to Lose,” and one that says “Interrogation Angels.” Though this represents a more aggressive stance for the often publicly placid, but recently much embattled, senior civilian military commander, it is fitting in terms of a toughening public stance against almost relentless criticism. He shunned reporters’ questions at the daily Pentagon press briefing, and refused to shake hands with aids to Chief of Staff Josh Bolten when accompanying President Bush on the White House tarmac late in the day yesterday.
Some with familiarity with Rumsfeld’s previous tenures in public office are comparing it to his “Flashdance” phase, when he wore t-shirts with torn-off sleeves, while serving former President Gerald Ford in the late 1970s.
Laura Bush marks Katrina anniversary by commenting on inner tube needs for underprivileged kids
by Terri Firma
Laura Bush, speaking to a forum for women’s and childrens organizations in New Orleans yesterday, marked Katrina’s one year anniversary by prompting public officials to spring into action by providing inner city children with life preserver vests and inner tubes, “just in case a disaster like this is to strike again.” Though the comments were largely met with silence, interviews with several audience members revealed an appreciation for the First Lady’s concern, even though she still seems ot have little understanding of the scope of last year’s disaster.
Last year, she compared the desparate feeling of Hurricane survivors who had lost their children with the feeling of having a child lost in a market and urged parents in the devastated region to have their children stay in school, though the schools as well as the streets and modes of transportation, had been destroyed. She had mispronounced the name “Katrina” in many instances, often calling the Hurricane “Corrina.”
Some of these statements were perceived as out of touch and insensitive at the time. However, by comparison with the President’s mother, former First Lady Barbara Bush, who said Hurricane victims must be glad to have food and shelter in the Texas stadium where they had been moved, and mused over whether the city of Houston should kick them out at some point for being freeloaders, the reaction was much harsher.
The First Lady’s chief of staff, Marjorie Cunningham, urged restraint by the press corp in interpreting the First Lady’s latest comments. “This is not a woman who means anyone any harm,” Cunningham said. “She’s just unusually dense.”
08.29.06
Rumsfled defending Bush’s Middle East policy; “these are dangerous fascists, not puppy dogs!”
by Tom Toburn
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, speaking in Utah today, declared in his strongest defense yet of President Bush’s policies, that “detractors are unaware of the fears we face from these crazy guys, these (terrorists and terrorist leaders) are dangerous fascists, not puppy dogs! I’m not even convinced that some detractors (referring to Democrats running for seats against Republicans in Congress) realize that they are anti-American. These are members of the ‘always blame America first’ crowd, who wants us to give up our nuclear weapons, and give them to al Qaeda, and to let them bomb us. Why would (Democrats) support this notion? I do not know. Have (Democrats) always been anti-American? Maybe. Have these critics (Democrats) always wanted to just give terrorists food and shelter and leave them unpunished for their crimes? Probably. But that may be for later generations and later administrations to fully understand.”
In response, Senate Minority leader Harry Reid limply offered, “Who the fuck is he talking about? Has he been visiting mental patient wards, or is he trying to reflect the views of opponents in some real place real people know about?” But polls continue to show a plurality of voters support Bush’s vision of a revitalized Middle East when asked if they prefer this to more deadly terror attacks in the future.
Bush urges “saints to come marching home” to New Orleans, says “we’ll even pay you.”
by Paula Berrer
From a pulpit in a New Orleans church, President Bush is urging former New Orleans residents to return, and is even offering to pay them to live in their old homes, or on newly set-up communes or kibbutzim. Pundits and those inside the beltway have advised that an under-populated city will continue to focus attention on the damage wrought by the Hurricane, and presents an image problem for an administration eager to turn the page on the high profile disaster from the start of the President’s second term in office.
“New Orleans is calling her children home,” he said. “I know that sounds a little cornball, but it’s true. Let’s have those saints come marching home,” in referencing to Edward Boatner’s famous funeral march that evokes the splendor of the city. “I hear it from all the local officials. They say they have a plan in place, and money coming. And I believe them. Well, it’s easier than not believing them, cause then there wouldn’t be anything to talk about.”
Though critics have held that only half of New Orleans has electricity, half its hospitals are closed, debris remains in the streets, violent crime is up, and that this is the reason that less than half the population has returned, there are also tens of thousands of families in trailers and mobile homes with plans for moving to more permanent housing, and there is the possibility of a proposed master rebuilding plan.
Bush said the federal government cannot do the recovery job alone, or should do it alone, but says he will pay people to move back if they are willing to set up a kibbutz or commune-like environment, and grow their own food, rather than seeking government hand-outs. “You could live like hippies, maybe get down with some of that dixie-fied jazz music. But no growing any pot, you understand?”
“This is your home,” he said. “You know what needs to be done, and you can provide us a reborn Louisiana. Probably smaller, though.”
“Hell, I’d move here too, if I weren’t so busy being President, and being out here with all these speeches all the time. Actually, no I wouldn’t, but I still think everyone else should. It’s a good deal. It’s uniquely courageous and uniquely American.”
