07.27.06
Presidential gaffe: “snowflake babies” all came from the same set of cells
by Terri Firma
It was revealed today that the children President Bush appeared with to announce his veto on the stem cell initiative were, in fact, derived from identicical embryos, genetic testing has shown. The so-called “snowflake babies” are adopted children born from in-vitro fertilization of the supposedly unique stem cell lines. The fertility lab that supplied the babies used for the White House unveiling, a division of Pfizer called Fertility Link,” has confirmed, however, that many of their cell lines for fertilization procedures are from identical cell lines, “not really clones, exactly, but…okay, they are clones,” lead fertility geneticist Nills Cavuto said. “But let me explain something. Though cloning is illegal, these cell lines were created for the express purpose of implantation as part of an NIH study. And they are so cute, aren’t they?”
This may provide further grist for the mill in the ongoing scientific “nature vs. nurture” debate, over what drives the process toward human individuaton.
At the same time, White House Chief of Staff Josh Bolten has professed to be unsure of how the gaffe occurred related to this staged event.
“Andy Card would’ve never let’s this happen,” said one White House insider, who did not want to be identified as Dick Cheney. “His staged photo-ops were stupid, but at least they were usually accurate.”
President Bush takes Iraqi PM Al-Maliki on tour of “Dollywood”
by Paula Berrer
President Bush took new Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri Al Maliki on a tour of “Dollywood,” the Dolly Parton theme park, before Mr. Maliki was to return to the Middle East today. As with Japanese Prime Minister Koizuma’s tour of Graceland during his recent visit to the United States, Mr. Al Maliki was taken on a tour of a cultural site presumed to be of interest. Though Al Maliki said he is unfamiliar with Dolly Parton, Bush joshed, “Yeah, but everybody loves women with big tits.”
Though Mr. Maliki is a devout Muslim, the President said that he showed great magnanimity in response to the gesture, and expects that Mr.Maliki will reciprocate when and if the President makes another surprise visit to some adequately fortified areas of Iraq in the future.
Decision 2008, Candidate Profiles: Chris Dodd: “I can’t think of any reason for my candidacy either”
by Paula Berrer
“I can’t figure it out. I don’t know why the hell I’m getting into this thing,” Senator Christopher Dodd (D-CT) said. ”Great fringe benefits, speaking tours and all that for a President. I know that. And I’m not getting any younger. So what the hell. Take a shot, I guess, right?
“Hey, this microphone isn’t on, is it?”
07.26.06
Iraqi PM Maliki still gets Hezbollah newsletter
by Terri Firma
Newly appointed Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri Al Maliki committed a gaffe of sorts today when he admitted that he still reads Hezbollah’s regular newsletter. He later ammended this by saying he does not subscribe to the newsletter, but that it arrives with his regular Hezbollah alumni material each year.
This is on the heels of President Bush praising Mr. Maliki as a “vital ally in the war on terror,” and Senator John McCain’s characterization of congressional Democrats’ condemnation of Maliki, as “dangerous and irresponsible.”
The White House has directed questions about US alliances with terror organizations to the press office of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, who it says is Permalink Leave a Comment
Rumsfeld: “It’s actually not so complicated. There are good Sunnis and bad Sunnis.”
by Paula Berrer
At the Pentagon briefing today, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld arrived with a chart, and described a strategy for engaging religious factions in the Middle East based on a color coding strategy.
“It’s actually not so complicated,” he said, picking up on comments about Sunni factions that exist in the formerly Sunni-dominated Hussein government in Iraq, and in Syria. “There are good Sunnis and bad Sunnis. Now take a look.
“The areas shaded in blue are ‘bad,’ the areas shaded in red are ‘good.’ Now, there are ‘good’ and ‘bad’ for both Shi’ites and Sunnis. The militant extremists, the Islamic fundamentalists, they can be either red or blue. Or, excuse me, they can be Shi’ite or Sunni. They’re all blue. Now, we’re fighting them over there so we don’t have to fight them here.
“Can I get a cup of coffee? Let’s take this up again after lunch.”
Snow apologizes for saying Merkel “had a good time” with neck massage from President Bush
by Terri Firma
White House Press Secretary Tony Snow apologized from the White House podium today for claiming that German Chancelor Angela Merkel enjoyed her neck massage from President Bush at the G8 Summit, and said, “I can’t pretend to be able to divine what is in the mind of the German Prime Minister. I doubt she would have enjoyed a steam bath with the President. I’m sorry I said it.”
Reporters pressured him to explain why President Reagan never felt compelled to touch Margaret Thatcher, “It would not be responsible of me to speculate on if the former British Prime Minister likes to be fondled.”
“I clearly stepped over the line. I’d like to move on,” he said before developing a case of hives and leaving the podium.
Decision 2008, Candidate Profiles: Bill Richardson, how to get out the Hispanic vote with a white guy last name
by Tom Toburn
New Mexico Governor and former Clinton cabinet secretary Bill Richardson, is considering a run for the presidency. With his last name, “Richardson,” though, it is unlikely he will bring our many Hispanic voters.
He has been trying to eat chili rellenos publicly as much as possible, and though nearly tone deaf, has been singing the national anthem in Spanish at almost all campaign events. “I know Spanish extremely well,” he said. “I am Hispanic, after all. I actually am. Ask my Mom, for God’s sake.”
07.25.06
Rice arrives in Middle East, suggests small party with presents to ease regional tensions
by Paula Berrer
Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice arrived in Beirut yesterday to suggest changing the tone in the Middle East, and “perhaps, a small party,” as violence escalated between Israel and the Hezbollah and Hamas groups. “The United States will not stand by and let fledgling, growing democracies falter…and we’re tired of all the poopy faces all around here! Everyone cheer up!” she told a largely silent, but packed, session of the Lebanese Parliament. She also suggested a gift exchange, with purchases not to exceed ten dollars per gift, and voluntered to go first, producing a silken head wrap for Lebanese President Emile Lahoud.
“I’m speechless,” Prime Minister Fuad Saniora intoned to reporters later. “Such breathtaking stupidity!”
Parliament Speaker (and de facto Hezbollah spokesperson) Nabih Berri, however, was more conciliatory, saying, “Does it have to be pot luck? We have very strict dietary codes, you know.”
Snow says Merkel neck massage “was a good time for her”
by Tom Toburn
Deflecting recent criticism by members of the White House press corp that President Bush’s neck rub of German Chancellor Angela Merkel was inappropriate, Press Secretary Tony Snow said today that she enjoyed it, and might have enjoyed a sauna with the President later, were it not for the President’s need to return early from the G8 Summit. “We all saw the same tape, right? For heaven’s sake, do we need to be such prudes?” Snow said. “She really seemed to be enjoying herself. Maybe a spa together should be a future occurrence of some kind.”
He scoffed at the notion that this represents a double-standard, and said former Chancellor Helmut Schroeder was not often approached in such a familiar manner because he was not as comfortable with it, and was not as strong a supporter of the United States at the UN.
When reporters complained that it appeared Merkel was trying to shake his hands off, Snow insisted that the Prime Minister was pleased with the President’s spontaneous, and well-meaning gesture, and pointedly asked reporters to examine German mores on these matters.
07.24.06
Decision 2008, Candidate Profiles: Al Gore, agorophobic?
by Paula Berrer
Since the buzz generated by his film, “An Inconvenient Truth,” thrust his name back into the limelight, the discussion regarding former Vice President Al Gore’s political aspirations has heated up.
In an exclusive further interview regarding the 2008 race, Al Gore had this to say:
“Move along. No story here. I’ll punch your lights out. Stop asking! Who’s your editor? Now, now this is harrassment. Get out of my home, and leave that fishtank alone. Get out of here.”
