by Terri Firma

President Bush will invoke a seldom used “except sometimes” provision from first amendment protection of freedom of speech, in allowing Congress to prosecute several major US newspaper editors. This is a hitherto unknown exception, “but I swear it exists,” said Attorney General Alberto Gonzales told reporters.

It had been asserted, and reported earlier, that so-called “liberal rags,” like the Wall Street Journal and the National Review, have over-reached in reporting on the Dr. Pepper surveillance program, and on information that President Bush does not have a real black belt in karate, as these are considered national secrets by Bush and Vice President Cheney. Bush has long asserted that it does not threaten, and indeed protects, national security when White House sources leak information on terror alert status, foiled terror plots and the identity of intelligence officers, “because these are important leaks.”  He said, however, that the cases involving the newspapers cited are unapproved and more damning.

If the newspaper editors are prosecuted, it will be the first exercise of the little known “except sometimes” provision.

by Tom Toburn
President Bush has decided to disband the Supreme Court because it is hampering efforts to fight the war on terror, it was announced today. Instead, the United States will rely on “12 of my friends” to make high court decisions. He is citing power granted to him under the war crimes act, constitutional executive authority, and “’cause I’m the decider” as precedent, said Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. He complained that the Supreme Court is “ill-suited, all that legal jargon” as an oversight branch in the context of the larger war on terror.

“I dunno, what do you think?” Senator Judiciary co-chair Lindsey Graham (R-SC) said at a joint press conference after the decision was announced. “Probably that war crimes act wasn’t such a good idea.” “Probably not,” said Committee chairman Senator Arlen Specter (R-PA) in response.

by Terri Firma

Major market newspapers have once again been lured into writing stories that can be labelled treasonous by the Bush administration, in this case, the tracking of Dr. Pepper beverage sales.  The New York Times published an article yesterday that decribed a government tracking program for terrorists who drink Dr. Pepper because of knowledge that emerged from interrogations at Guatanamo Bay that most terrorists who represent Al Qaeda prefer Dr.Pepper above other carbonated drinks.

New York Times spokesman Ali Tezner asserted that it has been common knowledge for some time that terrorists primarily choose to drink Dr. Pepper (a lower caffeine, carbonated beverage), and are unlikely to alter their buying patterns based on the Times’ reporting, but administration spokespeople are again arguing that the Times is providing aid and comfort to a dangerous enemy.

“I’d rather let the government know what pop I decide to drink than be dead!” Senate Intelligence chairman Pat Roberts (R-KS) asserted from the Senate floor, “and the New York Times has no right to make this decision for me!”

Charges against the Times come in the aftermath of two previous stories that led to fines because they presumably hampered National Security efforts.

“Damn it, I had a wierd feeling this was another set-up,” Times editor Bill Keller said in an on-line discussion of the matter yesterday.

by Tom Toburn
The Senate has scheduled a vote on a proposed constitutional amendment that will outlaw 4th of July plates, napkins, and paper cups that feature secular or neutral colors and images rather than traditional red, white and blue. Senate leader Bill Frist thundered from the chamber floor “‘Hello Kitty, ‘ ‘The Flintstones,’ and especially ‘The Munsters,’ have no place in celebration of our nation’s most sacred day!”

The Senate is expected to vote down a provision to include 4th of July paper tablecloths, and Senator Hillary Clinton has threatened to make the the tablecloth ammendment an election year issue. “The exclusion of paper tablecloths in this would be particularly egregious, I say as the Senator from New York, the state hit by the 9/11 attacks.”

The vote is expected this week.

by Terri Firma

The Seante Judiciary Committee is launching an investigation into signing statements attached to legislation that goes to the President’s desk for signature, particularly a recent signing statements that states that the President may sleep with actress Ashley Judd anytime he wants. The signing statement was attached to a piece of provisional legislation for shortening the approval process for new deeds of federal land, but another recent signing statement allowed that he drive his car as fast as he wants, and was attached to an agricultural subsidy bill.

This is in the aftermath of increased scrutiny of the President’s legislative signing statements when it was reported in the Boston Globe that he has attached upwards of 600 such statements to bills signed into law after clearing Congress. He had previously signed legislation that barred torture and overseas detention of prisoners, and wire-tapping of American citizens after stipulating that he would follow the law “except when I don’t want to.” Previous Presidents have used signing statements far more sparingly, and have seldom used them to influence their executive prerogative, the speed with which they drive their cars or how they might interact with famous celebrities like Ms. Judd.

As he has on previous occasions before the Senate Committee, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales chose to respond to Senators questioning the practice, “All that this involves is for me to know and you to find out.”

by Tom Toburn

Representative of the administration chief scientific officers are asserting that global warming fears, stoked by dialogue surrounding the film “An Inconvenient Truth,” are greatly overblown, and climate changes are unlikely to be of any danger now or in the future.  “I can cite a whole host of studies,” American Science Foundation president Tari Ritenour asserted.  “I won’t now, but I certainly can.

“Let me state unequivocally: there is no danger whatsoever from things like this so-called warming of the Earth and melting of the Earth’s core and so on.  Its hogwash.  Besides, as most know, if the Earth were ever to be uninhabitable, there are comets that will take many of us away from the Earth, to a healthy heavenly environment anyway, and I can cite several passages in the book of Revelations that clearly support this point of view.”

 White House spokesman Tony Snow said that the administration strongly supports the American Science Foundation’s work in this area, and posed to reporters, “Once again, can I encourage you to please pay attention to both sides of this debate?”

by Tom Toburn

For the third time this month, deals struck with federal prosecutors by attorneys for radio personality Rush Limbaugh fell apart after he was apprehended with botox needles and botox solution in his Miami Beach apartment today. This is after an arrest for possession of Viagra and the capture of a supply of Rogaine at Limabaugh-owned liposuction lab via an FBI sting operation, had jeapordized the deal earlier this month.

“Okay, okay, I get it,” he thundered upon being apprehended. “I can’t be my own doctor. I get it now.”

by Tom Toburn

White House representatives are coming out in full force against national publications for reporting on the President’s lack of karate prowess, and are accusing the press of impairing the administration’s ability to fight the war on terror.  The President has discussed having a black belt in karate in public forums where he has threatened to take terror leaders out.  “These news reporters will tie our hands for the last time,” the President insisted at a press briefing today.  “I am putting them on notice.  I do too have a black belt!”

“It is the height of arrogance,” Press Secretary Tony Snow complained at the press briefing today.  “The leaking of this information is disgraceful.  It is harmful to ordinary Americans.  It impairs our ability to fight the war on terror.”

“I don’t think he has a black belt, but liberal rags like the Wall Street Journal, the National Review Online and FOX and friends still have no right to inject their liberal biases on the general population,” Vice President Cheney said.

“It is treasonous,” Representative Peter King (R-NY) said on his website.  “It is important to counterbalance the public’s right to know when the President is pretending with the public’s right to survive the ridicule and scorn of a dangerous and ruthless enemy.”

by Terri Firma

President Bush was riding his bike out for a quick ice cream when the latest terror attack, a bomb explosion in an Oakland busway terminal, first came to light, and White House spokesman Tony Hiller said “We didn’t want to bother him?”  Hiller is, however, denying that this is unusual or outside of normal protocol.  “Oh heavens no,” Hiller said.  “What did people expect?  That it was somehow in the nation’s best interests to have the President go back into his fake karate chop pose?  Or for him to have another of his panic attacks.

In a related story, Hiller has been placed an indefinite administrative leave.

by Terri Firma

In the aftermath of the military brass and Iraqi leadership recommending a draw down of US troops, President Bush is reversing course, and has come out in favor of a forced troop withdrawal proposal; “I like the idea of ‘cut and run’ now,” he told reporters today.

More importantly, political advisor Karl Rove is now endorsing this approach too.  He says “We see this approach as ‘John Kerry-light’,” and denies charges of succumbing to a “Johnny Come Lately”-like approach to Iraqi troop levels.  “Oh no,” Rove said.  “That’s a dramatic over-simplification.  I frankly quite disllike three word buzzwords like ‘Johnny come lately’ to characterize nuanced policy differences anyway.”