by Terri Firma

As the probe into the firing of US Attorney scandal deepens, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez told an audience of Republican lawmakers today that firings were the result of performance-related issues, as well as “bad manners.” Most notably, Carol Lam was mentioned for making disparaging use of a method of female hygiene, when she referred to opposing counsel as “a douchebag.”

“Use of profanity by officials in the highest levels of government was a disturbing thing to most of the parties involved,” Gonzales told the Republican press club audience, “and I wish that they had understood the extent of their infractions before it came to this. I sincerely do.”

This follows past protestations by the Attorney General rthat the firings were justified because the former attorneys were often tardy, had failed to contribute equitably to office coffee kitties, and wore overly relaxed apparel on “casual Fridays” at the workplace.

by Terri Firma

Republican Party Presidential hopefuls have launched a multi-city tour this month to bring their message of peace through strength, and immigration with tighter borders, to the American heartland, under the celebratory banner, “White guy-palooza.” The current crop of candidates, including front-runners Mitt Romney, John McCain and Rudy Guiliani, will be featured, along with a light show and several members of the US Supreme Court.

“We’re expecting this will be a tremendous opportunity to visit the fans in our base, and get the message out,” exulted Chief Justice John Roberts, in a conference call with reporters today. He will be joined by party stalwart and administration Undersecretary for Border and Transportation Security Asa Hutchinson, as part of the tour’s opening act.

The name of the tour is reminiscent of the “Lollapalooza” progressive rock tour in the 1980s, and was suggested by promoter and former Republican party chairman Charlie Black. Other names entertained for the tour but subsequently rejected included “the Ten Man March” (a play on words based on the “Million Man March” on Washington in 2002), and
“Promissory note-keepers” (a similar play on words based on the “Promise Keepers” subsequent march and demonstration).

The tour will continue through July 4th, at whiich point, the group is expected to be joined by former actor Fred Thompson, and guitarist Gary Richrath of REO Speedwagon.

by Tom Toburn

After years of speculation by Jerry Falwell, prominent religious fundamentalist leaders, and now the Polish Children’s Affairs ombudswoman, the lead teletubby, Tinky Winky, has admitted to the press to being gay, and has apologized to the BBC for any damage the ongoing controversy and speculation has caused. “What I am most disturbed by is how it has affected our program, and what we provide for children,” he said. “My professional life and personal lifestyle decisions, to this point, have not intersected, until the observations of my accessorizing habits.” The controversy was stirred by the lead teletubby’s habit of carrying a purse, though many had commented on what was considered an overly effeminate persona and high-pitched voice.

“I only hope that, through example by figures like myself, Ellen Degeneres, and hopefully Anderson Cooper in the future, that we can seek larger acceptance in the larger community for what we do rather than what we represent.”

by Tom Toburn

In what may be characterized as a fit of pique, former war veteran John Kerry announced today that he will not be seeking the nomination for the presidency in 2008, and said “I never wanted that stupid old Presidency anyway.” His aides have been hinting for weeks that the Massachussets Senator and the 2004 nominee would be sitting out the race, “now that that really popular Obama guy got in,” but still felt comfortable that he could garner more support than presumptive contenders Joe Biden and Al Gore.

Former Senator John Edwards is also expected in the race, but aids say he is trying to ignore his former running mate, “unless he says he’s sorry,” and did not consider Senator Hillary Clinton a serious opponent “because she’s just a girl.”

by Paula Berrer

One of the unusual new disclosures in the trial of former Vice Presidential Chief of Staff “Scooter” Libby is the coordinated leak to celebrity-watch magazines like “Us Weekly,” of former ambassador Joseph Wilson nearly undressed on a Virginia Beach. “His ass looks fat,” Vice President Cheney purportedly told Libby, “and I want these photos released.”

The testimony came at the end of a full day cross-examination of the press staff for the Vice President’s office. Staffers were dispatched to the major publications with photos taken incidentally by Secret Service staff near Wilson while on vacation. Cheney had hoped that his veracity in disputing pre-war claims of an Iraq nuclear program would be questioned if people could see him in his underwear, and he insisted Libby and other staffers pursue the matter as a national security measure.

Tomorrow, Lynn Cheney will be called to the stand to address the efforts she and Libby made to have Wilson’s silly high school nick name revealed to the media.

by Paula Berrer

In a vote along largely partisan lines, the Senate has passed a resolution that argues that binding and non-binding measures that relate to the Iraq war should no longer be argued. The measure, crafted by Joe Lieberman and himself, passed in a 50-48 vote, with 2 senators abstaining.

“I really didn’t understand the measure at all,” said Senator Norm Coleman (R-MN), “but Ted Kennedy said he was voting for it, so I voted against it.”

Senator John McCain solidified his maverick, outsider status by voting “I don’t know” on the measure.

by Paula Berrer

President Bush agreed to a series of benchmarks at the urging of democratic legislators, but is insisting that they be limited to “showing a good effort,” and “they have to show us that they’re trying hard.”

Though many in Congress intended for the President to set benchmarks that are directed to Iraqi progress toward self-sufficiency, the President said he is unlikely to do so, saying “it might indicate to warring factions that we do not have the stomach for the fight. There is no graver threat than if we do not achieve victory in Iraq.”

by Terri Firma

Senator John McCain (R-AZ) is the most recent potential 2008 Presidential candidate to discuss candidly Senator Barrack Obama’s attractiveness. “He’s charismatic, he’s sexy, and frankly, I would want to have sex with him, if I were a different kind of man.” This follows a week when Senator Joseph Biden (D-DE) described Obama as “attractive and clean,” Senator Hillary Clinton described him as “strapping,” and even President Bush called him attractive while simultaneously doubting Obama’s credentials for the presidency.

McCain criticized another potential candidate, former Massachussets Governor Mitt Romney, for his straddling the line his more tepid praise of Obama. Romney said last week that he only admired Obama, but remains staunchly opposed to gay coupling or marriage. Romney’s campaign has promised to release a statement later today to clarify the Governor’s position.

by Paula Berrer

Another seven days of celebrations are planned in remembrance of former President Ford, culminating in his canonization and mummification before he is allowed to lie in state in a tomb at the national cemetary in Arlington, West Virginia.

Canonization, a highly unusual step for former United States presidents, is widely seen as important way to recognize Ford’s helping to heal the nation in the aftermath of the Vietnam War and the Watergate scandal. Ford famously proclaimed at the time “Our long national nightmare is over.”

Ford, the nation’s half term president in the mid-1970s, will have his body on tour in a fashion similar to the traveling King Tut tour. It will be going first to Ford’s birthstate of New Mexico, Michigan, the state he represented in Congress, Delaware, the state of his Presidential inauguration and North Dakota and Wisconsin, two states where he vacationed as a child.

by Terri Firma

After being convicted of crimes againts humanity by an Iraqi civil court, a world court deputy told the chief marshall that the wrong man was convicted, and that the Osama bin Laden is still a free man, with warrants out, and “wanted” signs still posted. “I thought I remembered something about the world being changed after 9/11,” the deputy said later “and the rest got a little fuzzy.”

In spite of this, there was tremendous cheer in the aftermath of the execution, coming in the build-up to the New Year’s celebration in the United States, when the year’s highlights are often reviewed on newsreels and year-end photo essays. “Maybe it was important that we put this behind us,” the deputy said later, “and move forward on to the next lynching.”